In a perfect world...

Bicycles really would "share the road."

It would rain constantly, but not flood.

Coke wouldn't make you fat.

Cheating spouses would automatically ignite and float away in ashes.

And their surviving spouse would have no recollection of their existence.

Icy wouldn't even make it into the forecast.

Christmas decorations would put themselves away.

No meal would take longer than 10 minutes to cook. Ever.

Real vehicles would be made out of matchbox car materials (those things can take a beating and never even dent-LOL).

Guys would never, ever come between friends.

There would be no need for tanning salons, because everyone would naturally be tan. Always.

Sleep would be more important than anything else. Bosses would say, "What? You haven't had 8 hours? You go straight home and I'll pay you anyway."

Life would be easy.

Well... some blessings come from a car that lacks a radio. I've had a lot of time lately to think. Yes, think. I have tried to go back in time in my mind and find the last time that I was actually, really, honestly happy. After much trying and rehashing memories, I've realized that I have never really been happy. I mean, don't get me wrong, there have been happy moments, but to actually say that I was completely happy during any one time in my life brings a blank. This is really good news in a sense, because I can't sit here and think back to a time when life was better or easier or happier, because that time doesn't exist. Maybe it never will? I don't know.

Fricky, Fricky, Frazzled...

A typical day for me is pretty hectic. Let's first remember that I work 2 jobs and open our skate shop almost every afternoon. I go to school and try to sleep and eat occassionally. Now let's add in that I had to do volunteer work for one of my classes. Yes, I am serious.

Oh, that's not all... here are a few typical, everyday statements that I may hear in the wee hours of the morning...

"The voices taught me how to play guitar."
"I'm not an addict, I just do pills, they're not bad."
"Why do YOU get to drink pop?" (hmm... sobriety has rewards?)
"Ha ha. I steal money from my_____ (insert any family member that is beloved to most!)"
"Why are you rationing out wet wipes?"
"It's cold!"
"It's hot"
"wah wah wah"
"Sorry I didn't come when you called. I am having withdrawls." (what does that have to do with listening?)
"I'm getting picked on just because I am breaking a lot of little rules (add whiny voice to this one).
"Is it time for meds? Smoke break? meds? smoke break? meds? smoke break?"

Oh, these are just a few! To put it lightly... I am going insane!!!! Yeah, I am serious.

Overworked. Stressed. Trying desperately to choose between doing online finals and reading Eclipse (3rd of the Twilight series). Fidgeting. Not sleeping. Not eating. No nerve pills left. I. Am. Going. Crazy!

Can someone recommend a good doctor? Or at least good meds?

Thanks! Buh Bye!

What the heck am I up to??

December 10th.

School:
I am so very far behind in the online course. I loathe online classes. They are too difficult to keep up with & I always end up putting them off until the absolute, very last moment! Why? I guess it's because there is no physical human being standing over me each week saying, "yada, yada is due next Thursday." That really helps me out. I will soon be starting the next semester & this one will hopefully be easy. Micro-Computers (ahhhh!) & Interpersonal Relations (cake). To be quite honest here I have not a clue what that computer class entails, but it is a requirement for my degree so I suppose I'll knock it outta the way. Hopefully. The IR class is another online one & I commit to keeping up. Goal setting is my goal!

Work:
I sit here at this desk and look at the product of my night layed out before me: mountain dew, Seinfeld Season 4, & the book "New Moon", which for those of you who don't know is the #2 in the Twilight Series. I am listening to VH1 & praying that my 7AM wake-up call that I just registered will be taking effect and the clients will be ambling down to eat their breakfasts and prepare for the day. Then I will prepare for the "night." Which, to most of you, is the day. I now sleep during the day and am currently happy that it is raining penguins & polar bears outside. That's the colder version of cats & dogs.

Life:
Nothing too extremely changed in this category. House is still in shambles & still no Christmas decor up. This is so unlike me. I am usually the first to get everything up right after Thanksgiving. I love the twinkling lights & my many snowmen. That is the only ornaments that are on my tree. I used to have some sentimental ornaments that I have disposed of. I gave some away to people who would appreciate them... such as a football marshmallow snowman ornament and some other ones. Yeah, there have been replacements, but not with as much enthusiasm. Christmas has lost a lot of meaning,it seems. Not nearly as special anymore. In fact, I don't think life in general means as much anymore. Funny how those things happen. Things that used to be so important to me aren't anymore. Things that used to scare me, don't anymore. Crazy? Yeah. I am thinking about going and "talking" to someone. I am afraid that 2 1/2 years of depression may be a little much. It seems as if I blame myself for a lot of my past. Which I undoubtedly should. The problem is that I need to eventually forgive myself for the ruin that I've put myself and other in. It seems as if I am self-destructing. Some days I scare myself. I've tried some anti-depressants, but they don't seem to work. So... something's going to have to give in this head of mine. Sometime soon! I do believe that I have carpal tunnel in my right arm. It is numb about 75% of the time and aches the other 25%. I don't think that there is much that they can really do for that, but we'll see.

Family:

They are all doing pretty well. Mamaw Hatley starts her chemo next week & is scared. I am scared, too. I don't want her to be sick. She doesn't deserve it. If anyone deserves sickness & suffering- it's me. I have plagued too many!! Please pray for her to not be too awful sick. I can't bear to see her like that. Papaw is still in the nursing home and will be for a little while. He is getting therapy and then hopefully will be well enough to return home. Uncle Jerb had a stroke and is heading to a nursing home possibly indefinitely. He is unable to communicate or to take care of his daily needs. It's really sad. Joking & laughing one moment and incapacitated the next. Don't understand it at all, but who am I? Sisters are doing good. Ashley & Amy are Ken Nunn employees. Alicia, I think, works at Monroe Hospital Family Clinic or something like that this week! Mom & Dad are good-- still Bingo-aholics. BTW I won $50 on my birthday. Not too bad!

Well... I am sure that this sounded like it was written by the Grinch, but I promise it's not too awful bad. I have found some close friends that I haven't talked to in years. Facebook is a Godsend. Natalie, Samantha, Jason, and so many others that I have missed so much. I hope that things get better. No, I know that they will. I have a feeling that February will be a life changing month for me. Not sure why, but certain just the same!

Love ya!
April

Old & Cold & BINGO brawls!

I just want to say that I am freaking freezing! Seriously, why does it have to be so cold?? Not only outside, but here at work!!!???!!!






Now for the goodie (as Shelly would say)...



So this week is my "birthday week" according the local AmVets Post 2000. That's where my mom and dad are bingo-aholics. They go twice a week and nothing seems to stop them! They are serious bingoers (is that even a word?). Last week my family tried endlessly to get my parents to answer their phones while at bingo, because my uncle had had a stroke. My dad kept answering his phone and saying "can't talk. not allowed" and hanging it up. Yeah, scary! Later he explained that cell phones weren't allowed while the caller was announcing the numbers-- so go out in the hall!! And my mom is just a Christmas present away from her own dobber carrier. She already has the t-shirts and the little singing Bingo bear. Anyway, my mom wants me to go with them to bingo tomorrow night, because on your "birthday week bingo only costs a dollar!" Pretty exciting, huh?? Here is the sad part: My "birthday bingo" game is most likely going to be the highlight of my week! Yeah, be jealous! So, I'll be 28 this year. Time really does seem to fly the older that we get. In just a few short months it will be my ten year class reunion. Wow. Most likely I will not be attending this event. It would sicken me to see Mr. & Mrs. M.F. Cheaterins, even if by mere accident. Oh, sometimes I get phone calls of recent sightings and I have to explain to the caller that I don't really care one iota. Only I use some harsher words. You know what I mean? Anywho... the point is that I am growing old. Ok, older is probably the best term to use.

I think I will go to bingo. Wish me luck on the $1000 game. Wouldn't that just piss off all of those troll-toting, superstitious, dobber-carrying regulars if someone like me won!?! I may get beat down! Pray for me!

Update on my List...

Ok. I am still working on those first 10 things, but I have accomplished some of them!! I will give myself until Tuesday to finish them. That is it! Then, I will add a few more to the list. I will say that I am almost finished with ALL of my online work that is due (it should all be done by morning), I have been doing my hair & make-up, I took down those political yard signs, and I think that I took a sip of water sometime since I wrote that blog. I'm a failure!

And another thing...

Sometimes it fathoms me how some people will act in public. This time of year is crucial, people. The malls are packed, the lines are long, and the air space is minimal.

That being said...

The other night I decided to go to the mall and gaze at some jeans that I may or may not receive for my birthday (uh hum). Anyway, while doing this, I obviously tired myself out and was famished! I went to Luca Pizza, stood behind a mother and her three obnoxious children dressed in Christmasy outfits (obviously had just gotten their picture taken), ordered some very over-priced food, grabbed my tray, and scoured out the table furthest from anyother soul in the room. Well... alas... here comes along 3 guys, middle-aged and they choose a table two over from mine. Fine. I can handle that. Even though there are only about 23 other tables that could have fit their needs! Then out of no where I heard this foghorn sound louder than most tornado sirens. I glance at the bald man of the group. He is sitting there, in the food court, blowing his nose!! Loud. Very loud. With chick-fillet napkins and all! Why?? There went my $10 tray. I just can't eat after seeing and hearing that spectacle. There is a ton of space surrounding the food court. Could he not go away from earshot and blow?

I know this is a random post, but I've been bothered by it ever since. Courtesy does magical things! Manners are amazing! And not fog-horning your nose in a public eating establishment is a jewel!

Ramblings offered at no cost to you by....

~April

The first 10.

Today is the day. The first day of my list of all lists. Well... the LOAL isn't even completed yet, but here are the first 10 items that I will be working on...

1. Get ALL of my work turned in for my online class by Sunday. BAH

2. Start doing my flippin hair and make-up daily! Who knows when I may run into John Travolta or Billy Ray??

3. Start drinking water or at least diet drinks! Today!

4. Get the majority of my house cleaned by Sunday night.

5. Take the political yard signs down out of the yard! Seriously, now!

6. Buy at least two Christmas gifts for someone this weekend (even if they're small!)

7. Begin my Bible Reading Every day-- no matter what!!

8. Clean out my purse & packback. Eliminate weight!!

9. Put up my Christmas tree and decorations this weekend.

10. Wrap those 2 gifts that I will definitely get!

Now. If I just add another 10 every few days, then maybe I can hold myself accountable for these things that I often let myself fall behind on. Hmmm.... worth a shot!

A Day of Thanks

I'm almost positive that today is supposed to be one of those days that we all bow our heads and say, "thank you so much for the many blessings that have been bestowed on mine and ours this wondrous year." Yeah, pretty sure that's how it's supposed to go.

My thanksgiving.

Thus far?

It started at midnight. It consisted of cooking 8 turkey breasts, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, gravy, and greenbean casserole. Ok. Brian & Carla helped A LOT! So... finishing that at around 5:30 this morning. Here is how it goes from here...

Well... Josh and I will be apart. Imagine that! He works in Terre Haute today so it only makes since that he'll have his turkey and dressing with his blood there. I'll be hitching a ride with Alicia to another Papaw-less Thanksgiving for the second year in a row. Eat, chat, buh bye, visit the nursing home, and then home to sleep, do laundry, and watch Tropic Thunder. It better be good. Anyway... following that... it's off for another midnight to eight to freeze and catch up on my Steve Wilkos drama. Please don't be too jealous... it makes me feel awful guilty!

On the upside.

VH1 is currently enticing me with KidRock. Sexy beast! Now I just need to see the new P!nk video that has her HOT ex-hubby in it & my morning is complete! Well, except for the whole still not asleep thing!

The clients will hopefully be sleeping in for a very loooong time this morning. What does that mean for me? No drama, no point giving, and not annoyance! Yay!

I totally got a B+ on my latest sociology test. I demand applause. That class is so hard! I did find that studying seems to work wonders in the grading world, though.

My spinach and avacado dip was on sale this week and I picked some up and it is so refreshingly delicious!

It is one more T-day that I don't have to hear the word oyster stuffing. Ha.

So... I guess there are a few things to be thankful for on this FRIGID morning!

~I've had some depressing days of late and I think that there is a to-do list to be started soon. Very soon! In the coming days I will be making a list of all the things that I need or want to accomplish in my life to start being a little more happier.

Catch you on the flip side! Ahoy!

Days of old

It seems ultimately I have found myself in another bad place in life. When will I tire of being jerked and kicked around by others? I need to find myself out there somewhere. I used to be an advocate for...

gay rights
women's choice referring to abortion (with a few exceptions)
and equality of and for all

Ok, damn it. Seriously. Here I sit now, in all reality less religious than I was at that point in life, and finding myself questioning these issues. Why?

Brainwashing does exist. It does. The question is what is giving my "free thinking" brain a good scrubbing? Am I right? Am I wrong? Is the scrubber right? Is the scrubber wrong?

I am more confused right now than I have ever been in my entire life!!

Oh, how I miss Sesame Street and the only issue to ponder was whether or not Mom was going to fix tator tots or french fries for lunch!!

Those were the days....

One more day...

I have been thinking lately how somewhere along this path in life that I have lost myself. Pretty much all of me-- my thoughts, opinions, courage, and self-worth. I used to possess those. Where did they go? Where did I go? I let people's thoughts and words and actions eat away at me and force me into this dark hole. It's truly pitch black in here and after being alone for so long -- it's unbearably lonely. This past week a young lady jumped off of the parking garage a block from my work. She was only 20 years old. Her myspace and facebook pages screamed depression and suicidal thoughts. Why didn't anyone tell her that they loved her-- it'll be okay-- please don't leave us?? Maybe they did and she just didn't hear it or worse- didn't believe it. I used to wonder how or why someone could take their own life. Not anymore. I do believe in Heaven and Hell and God and Satan, so it's not really and option. I can understand; however, how someone who didn't know about God would go ahead with it. I know for a fact that there is such a thing as Hell on this earth, but the scary part is that beyond this the actual Hell could be so much more horrible. I truly hope not -- for their souls. Sometimes this life can be so exhausting and depressing. People who are supposed to love you-- don't really. I know it-- they know it. What's the point? The only person that I can rely on is myself, but I don't even trust me sometimes. I think that I am just venting here, but am I? I don't know. I am not planning on harming myself! I am just saying that I can understand how someone can be so physically, mentally, emotionally depleted that they think that suicide is the only escape. For some it may be. I don't know.

November Rain...

It has been quite some time since I've decided to blog my little life to you all. I don't really understand why, though. I do love to write and with so many changes in the past few months I am appalled at my lack of pushing my life off on to you all. I mean, seriously, how else are my stalkers going to know what I am doing and where I am at?

No more Mr. Polo. Although, I have heard that he is still sporting his baby blue polo-- nipples protruding through the stretched fabric-- hunched backed and still barking orders to all the "little people" at the nursing home. I swear. This man should be cattle-prodded!!



Anyway...

I am now working for Centerstone as a Behavioral Health Tech. I am holding down the fort from midnight to 8. Watching over the men and women who are in the recovery house with me. I do have to say though, there is nothing on t.v. this late at night. I can only watch so many Fresh Prince of Bel-Air episodes before I am ready to bust the television. Maybe I should start bringing movies with me?

This semester I am taking sociology and intro to human services. School is getting harder. I can't believe how much of a slacker that I've been this semester!! It's horrible! Anyway, I am going to keep trudging along and getting a human services associate degree. I think that I am going to try for 3 concentrations: mental health, substance abuse, and correctional rehabilitation. Then... it's off to the university!

As far as my life goes-- it is still unbearable most days!! I tend to have this depression and sadness and really don't understand all of it. I'm sure that having your heart ripped out in life could contribute, but I'm pretty sure that I am over that one, anyway. It's crazy. Happiness... where are you?? I am pretty sure that as soon as I find a church and a church family who truly loves the Lord and me that I will be happier. Or maybe there isn't really a thing called happiness!?!

Sorry this post is so long!
The plan is to try to start doing me some daily blogging!
We'll see!

~April~

Just Thinking

Well...

I just watched the movie Charlie Bartlett. It really made me want to take some ritalin, but anywho, it also made me really think about how sometimes I feel like I am all alone in this world and that no one could possibly understand my life BUT in all actuality almost everyone is in the same boat as me. I'm not going to lie. I sometimes mask my depression. I really think that one day I am just going to wake up and it's going to be gone. No more sadness. Wouldn't that be fantastical? I'm getting better, don't get me wrong here. I have made some good choices as of late. For instance-- I am back in school. It's kind of hard for me which is so very weird. I was always the one who could get an A without even studying, but it's been awhile since I had to sit in an uncomfortable chair for hours and listen to a teacher and such. I do have to admit that the psychology professor that I have is pretty awesome. I can't believe that I am 27 years old and I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up. I really thought that I wanted to be a mortician. Seriously. BUT everyday I am faced with the fact that drug abuse is so rampant that I am considering being an alcohol and drug addictions counselor. I really want to help those who come to me already for advice and pleading eyes, but I just don't know the right words to say or the right things to do. I have seen what evil that drugs can do to a person. How they can make them do things that they would never have done before the addiction. I just want to help them! I also think it would be an amazing opportunity to be a psychologist to prisoners on death row. To be the one that helps them deal with their fate. To be the one that helps them put the puzzle of their mind together so they at least know why them did what they did. No one is born wanting to kill or rape or do whatever else you have to do to die in the chair or by lethal injection, but there is a reason why they do choose those lives. By the way, before anyone hatefully messages me, I want to make it known that I am anti-death penalty. Yes, you can be a republican and hold this stance. I am not about killing anyone. How terrible to know the moment that you are going to die-- no matter who you are. Well... I have some thinking to do and I'm sure if you are still with me then you are getting tired of reading my scribbling!

~Peace~

BTW if you are wondering-- I still hate Mr. Polo with an unimaginable passion.

Fridays.

Friday.
Friday should be such a marvelous day, but not this one. Not only did I have to see Mr. Polo in an unscheduled visit, but I have the cramps from Hades. I can not tell a lie. They are straight from there.

Anyway...
I thought some of you might want a little update on my momma. She's doing really well. She had her surgery and her surgeon was a little off his rocker, but he still did a good job. I mean the guy took our camera in the surgery room and took pics of the inside of my mom's neck. Yeah, he did. We can thank my brainiac sister Amy for this one who was "writing a paper on the thyroid... ." Mom starts her radiation treatments pretty soon, but they are pretty certain that they got all of the cancer. And her particular cancer has a very good chance of not coming back for a visit. So... thank God literally for that. Anyway, have you noticed that I say "anyway" a lot? There is your update.





Well... I am sitting here at work and really bored watching the Golden Compass trying to find that pure evilness that all other Christians have been ranting about. I've had my KFC for the day. Yum. And I have had my diet mt. dew. Double Yum. And now... here I am.

Update on my life beyond that??
I enrolled in school. I will hopefully be starting in the summer and I will be working toward my mortuary science degree. Morbid? Yeah. I really want to do it though. I've been talking about how I want to be a coroner and the other night as Josh and I were driving I saw deer guts blown across the road and I was like, "Ewww. Gross." And he was like, "Yeah, you'll be a great coroner." Ha. I think I would, though. I'm kinda awesome like that.

Well... this was a whole lot of random stuff thrown at you all at once, but all things that I am super excited about. So, yeah.

Until Next time...
~Me

Mr. Polo and his many changes...

So...

I am really tired of my JOB. Not the residents. I love the residents. They are why I go to work every day, well and so I don't have to live in a van down by the river.

Anyway... there is a certain man. I'll call him Mr. Polo for right now. His first name is Blue if any of you are wondering.

Anyway... he has changed things so dramatically that it doesn't even feel like the same place. I am pretty much tired of walking on eggshells all of the time. Here is the part that really toasts my english muffin. MY department in the two years that I've been the head of it has NOT been cited for ANYTHING by the state, but he still has it in his mind that he needs to re-vamp it! One day they want my office in one room and then an hour later they move it somewhere else. I am really tired of the corporate BS right now. Mr. Polo is on a serious power trip and I'm afraid that he may be blowing a lot of fuses with it. It's sad really.

Anyway... I'm not the only one who feels like this. If you are a co-worker and you are reading my blog, then you know it, too. Yes you do. Don't lie.

Well...
think of me or better yet think of job opening for me.

~April

Are you ready?

I'm going to give this blogging thing a try. I'm not too great at all of this, but I do love to write and I love to read other people's stuff! I guess that I should first off tell you that I am an emotion-fueled individual- as most are! There are many days where I choose to just rant and rant-- and other days when I am on top of the world! So prepare for some ups and some downs and ups and downs. You may need a Xanax at some point. I'm serious. Somedays I am so crazed and angry and other days I am like freaking Martha Stewart~ bi-polar anyone? Well... Good luck. Hopefully we have a good day at some point!

~April