Friday, June 26, 2009

Will the real April please stand up? Please stand up!!

Just felt like sharing a few things about myself... for real!

First off, I love my family. I really, really love them. They are crazy and all, but I would punchasize anyone's face that said a word about them. I love to read, but rarely have time for it. As I get older, I am getting more calloused, but I have always wanted to give second chances to people and have faith in people changing. I have a dime sized tattoo that I usually have covered with a band-aid due to the wrath of my father if he ever found out. It's just a little green, four-leaf clover. I really want one on the top of my foot that is the Chinese symbol for sister. We'll see. It would be a lot more effective if ALL of my sisters had the same one, but fat chance of that happening.

I love comedies, action, drama, horror, anything except sci-fi. If the movie has the word "star" in the title it sucks. Sorry, it does. Well, except "LoneSTAR State of Mind." That was funny. The first "date" that I ever went on was to see "Stargate." Wow. I was so bored and was only there for the hand holding.... seriously. Sorry if you're reading this, Gabe, but it's true. The Breakfast Club and Billy Madison are my two absolute favorite movies, but Chris Farley will always have a special place in my heart!! He gave me the inspiration to not live in a van down by the river =)

I have a horrible time with kidney stones and get them often and the doctors have said that I need to quit drinking caffeine, BUT I am addicted to mountain dew. I'm like a crack addict when it comes to it. I just can't stop!! Seriously.

I love when it rains. It is my favorite. I love little penguins and if I had one, then I would care for it like no zoo ever could! ha ha!! I don't understand my obsession with them, but it could have been my love of Chilly Willy. He was an amazing cartoon actor. He should have won an emmy. No doubt!

Coloring is so much fun that it should be my job. I love to color and I am anal about my coloring books and crayons. I used to have a written set of rules for any one who colored in my books. Yeah, ask Courtney. There was a stringent screening process that they had to go through and they had to sign the rules. HA HA. I'm a freak. I know.

Pizza Hut pepperoni pizza and KFC boneless bbq wings are amazing. They are my favorite fast food things to eat.

I love to cook and I am good at it, BUT I hate dishes so much that I wish they would die. I know, that's pretty mean, but tis true. I have had so many compliments on my meatloaf, lasagna, chili, and even nasty tuna casserole that I should have my own show on the The Food Network. lol I won't mention that most of the people who I cook for are right out of jail or prison. ha ha.

I love hanging out at our shop and in my spare time I am harrassed by little teen hoodlum boys who love to get me all riled up. I love it, though. I get about 50 texts a day from them all saying "i c u" and it makes me want to kill them. I am really trying not to, though. They also find it funny to "gang up" on me and start slamming me through facebook chat. We are only 2 feet from one another, but they find it necessary to harass me via the internet. They all stand around laughing and typing their best joke in the little chat box. I find myself speechless most of the time and end up just threatening to shoot them.

I am obsessed with Seinfeld and can relate any and all situations that I encouter back to one of their episodes. I am also an avid fan of Forensic Files, all of the CSI's, and the "World's Dumbest" show. Dane Cook is the most hilarious man alive and I try to quote him daily =) The most hilarious woman is either my sister Ashley or my cousin Amber... they are pretty equal!!

I am terribly shy in person and on the phone, but sometimes get a little too non-shy via texting and im-ing. I wish that I could be more foreward, but it is so hard for me. I don't know why, because I used to be very outgoing and opinionated about everything. I need to get back to that old independent me!

My sis and I used to buy pens and pencils that we knew no one would steal. We would cherish them. We would buy the ones that said names on them, but we'd pick names like "Judy" or "Barbara" or something like that. It was really funny and showed our retardedness even more. I used my Judy pen until it fell apart, though!!

I love IU basketball and always have and always will. Sorry, but they can put any coach in there that they want to and I will still root for them. I can't stand those "fair-weather" fans that love them when they're winning and hate them when they're losing. That's dumb! My favorite IU player ever was Damon Bailey. I love him! I also loved Neil Reed for some reason. I don't know why, but I think it's because my dad hated him! lol!!!

Well... I know this is a lot of crap to read that isn't important at all, but I felt like being real for a minute. I don't know! Anyway. I'm out!!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Needing him so bad...


So flippin' sick of this word. Seriously...

Ok. First it was mom. Outcome= thryroid cancer

Next. Mamaw. Outcome= breast cancer

Now. Josh. My husband. Nope, not an ulcer. Nope, not his gallbladder. Liver. Needs a biopsy.

I swear that it seems as when I think my life just can't get any worse... I am proven so wrong.

I need HIM back in my life. I've lost him somewhere along the way. Yeah, I lost him, he didn't lose me. I know that Jesus has always been there, waiting, waiting for me to come back to him.

What is wrong with me?? Why do I think that I can just float through this life and try to do things on my own?? When I become unhappy in situations, then I feel as if I am the only one who can fix them. Need to quit this. Need to rely on God. Need to put my problems, fears, hopes, worries, and everything else in his hands.

A very smart person told me that he thought he was a "fake" Christian. Just being able to acknowledge that in itself makes him not fake. It's not about the world. It's about us and Christ. We all have our vices. We all have our sin. No sin is greater than another. We all feel guilt over these sins and feel "fake" when we succumb to those temptations. I know that I do. The thing is that we all do sin. That is why the ultimate sacrifice had to be paid. So that grace can be given to us and that we don't have to slaughter a whole bunch of livestock (or something like that). We just have to accept that forgiveness. Take it in. He knows. He knows the temptations that Satan throws in our paths. He knows that we sometimes stumble over them and sometimes are able to do cartwheels over them and karate chop em' down. Realizing that is the only thing that can get us through this life.

I am so scared of the future. Really scared. My temptations are ones that I never thought would be something that I would struggle with. The problem is that I like this sin. I mean is there really any sin that isn't likeable?? If they weren't then we wouldn't be tempted by them. I know that I have to pray harder, fight harder, and love stronger. I have to battle the world everyday. I have to battle this temptation. I have to be more observant of Satan's landmines. The only thing that I can think is that I am not alone. We are all together in this: battling Satan and his war tactics. I have to pick up my shield and sword and go at it, but not on the front lines. Jesus is there for me! I just have to fall on my knees and let him protect me!

And by the way Mr. Fake Christian, I am so sorry for everything!

Monday, June 22, 2009

Wishing & Hoping & BSing

So. Yeah. I totally am seriously going to make out my wish list for all of you to see. Excited?? Thought so...

Here goes...

#1 Duh. Penguin. I am pretty hurt that this wish has gone on for so many years. Why do none of you love me enough to break into the zoo and stash one in your over-sized fanny pack?

#2 Gun. No, not just any gun, but a pink one. I really want it sparkly, but Don-my gun guy- just rolled his eyes at me about the sparkle part. I threatened to bedazzle it if he doesn't come through for me. He seriously has a pink one on order, but I'm not sure about the sparkle part and that is essential.

#3 I want to kick in a door. I credit Dane Cook and his vivid portrayal of his B & E for this desire.

#4 I need to meet Paul Poteet and get my picture taken with him preferrably in front of a hot air balloon for reasons that I cannot disclose at this time.

#5 Job. New job. I want a job that involves me watching t.v. and doing some sort of research crap about it. Oh, and the company has to provide chocolate chip cookies while your working. Oh, and they pay great. Oh, and they also give their employees really soft slippers that feel like clouds that you have to wear while working. I think that's it.

#6 Moolah. I would love for the Publisher's Clearing House to show up at my door with all of those balloons and be like, "hey. congrats. you can quit your t.v. research job!" The problem is that I don't register for those things, so this is a very out there request unlike my others.

#7 My familia. I wish that my sisters and I could get together more and have a ton-o-fun without the petty little bickering and the name calling. I'll have to work on that! We can go do picture scavenger hunts constantly and dodge the police while doing so. Oh, how I miss those days...

#8 Seinfeld to return to t.v. Yes. It would be amazing. Hey, if KNOTB came back, then anything can happen.

#9 Big chunky streaks of burgundy in my hair. Yeah. It would totally rock.

#10 Well... this one is a secret & only one person knows about it and if that person is reading this, then just know that yes, I would do it.


Thursday, June 11, 2009

If you care to know...

The following is not to "reconnect" or anything foolish like that. It is simply to express closure for myself and come to some serious realizations of what I truly once was.

I feel that you need to know that I now understand why you did what you did and how much of a factor I played in that decision. I was a horrible person to you: demanding, selfish, and condescending (to say the least). I cringe at some things that I did and said. My reactions in ALL situations were ones that seemed to only benefit me and never did consider you. I don't think the way that things happened were the best way to go, but I do understand. I have had everything in this life taken from me.... literally everything. I've been in therapy, on anti-depressants and anxiety medications, and have contemplated suicide several times (even overdosed and ran my car off the road-that was fun). I've spent these years blocking out hurt and hate and I've mentally exhausted myself trying to figure out why, but lately I finally "got it." I DO NOT blame you. I deserved what happened and I blame myself completely for everything. I lacked the qualities that you needed in a person and I hope that you have found those that you deserve.

It did happen for a good reason though. It seems as if you now have that prosperous, happy, successful life that you have always strived for. A beautiful wife and son who I am sure makes you smile daily. Congratulations. I wish you only the best in life now and forever.

I have forgiven all in the past and I hope that someday you can forgive the monster that I was.