Thursday, June 25, 2009

Needing him so bad...


So flippin' sick of this word. Seriously...

Ok. First it was mom. Outcome= thryroid cancer

Next. Mamaw. Outcome= breast cancer

Now. Josh. My husband. Nope, not an ulcer. Nope, not his gallbladder. Liver. Needs a biopsy.

I swear that it seems as when I think my life just can't get any worse... I am proven so wrong.

I need HIM back in my life. I've lost him somewhere along the way. Yeah, I lost him, he didn't lose me. I know that Jesus has always been there, waiting, waiting for me to come back to him.

What is wrong with me?? Why do I think that I can just float through this life and try to do things on my own?? When I become unhappy in situations, then I feel as if I am the only one who can fix them. Need to quit this. Need to rely on God. Need to put my problems, fears, hopes, worries, and everything else in his hands.

A very smart person told me that he thought he was a "fake" Christian. Just being able to acknowledge that in itself makes him not fake. It's not about the world. It's about us and Christ. We all have our vices. We all have our sin. No sin is greater than another. We all feel guilt over these sins and feel "fake" when we succumb to those temptations. I know that I do. The thing is that we all do sin. That is why the ultimate sacrifice had to be paid. So that grace can be given to us and that we don't have to slaughter a whole bunch of livestock (or something like that). We just have to accept that forgiveness. Take it in. He knows. He knows the temptations that Satan throws in our paths. He knows that we sometimes stumble over them and sometimes are able to do cartwheels over them and karate chop em' down. Realizing that is the only thing that can get us through this life.

I am so scared of the future. Really scared. My temptations are ones that I never thought would be something that I would struggle with. The problem is that I like this sin. I mean is there really any sin that isn't likeable?? If they weren't then we wouldn't be tempted by them. I know that I have to pray harder, fight harder, and love stronger. I have to battle the world everyday. I have to battle this temptation. I have to be more observant of Satan's landmines. The only thing that I can think is that I am not alone. We are all together in this: battling Satan and his war tactics. I have to pick up my shield and sword and go at it, but not on the front lines. Jesus is there for me! I just have to fall on my knees and let him protect me!

And by the way Mr. Fake Christian, I am so sorry for everything!