Oh, for real... I am so unhappy with my life. I can't stand that fact that I am here and in this exact spot because of so many ignorant stupid mistakes done by me: master of retardation. What if I had done things differently?? What if I had been more loving?? What if I had gotten my degree earlier in life?? Would I be here? On this couch? Unloved. Unwanted. Unattractive. I know that this is pretty much a "pity rant," but I am approaching 30 years old. All I ever wanted out of life was to be a mother and I don't see that happening. Why does she get that?? Why does she get to take what was mine and live the life that I dreamed?? Better yet, where is the fairness, where is the mending, where is GOD?!!?!? I am the one who worked and worked to try to better our lives. I am the one who went without more than anyone. I am the one who was faithful to a fault. I am the one who lost my dog, my car, my credit, my church, my home, my independence, and my faith. WHY???? Why. It is a small word that weighs more than any, but it can never be answered. I don't know why, you don't know why, no one knows why. It's a hard life and I just so happened to make some dumb decisions and make it a lot harder on my self. I hope that I can one day not hate you, but it is so hard. It is so hard to know that you are happy and to know that I deserve to be. I hate Christmas. I hate happy little families. I hate light. And most of all, I hate myself with all that is within me. And I probably always will. So sick of being this pathetic piece of garbage that was discarded as if I never meant anything at all. True is though, that is exactly what I was.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
It amazes me that I am always watching Paul whenever I get the idea to blog. I guess he is just inspiring!
Sooo... It's been a little bit since I last decided to write (or rant in that case). Life is going okay. It could always be better, but it could also always be worse.
Alicia and I are becoming quite the professional cake decoraters. Ask me to make a mum out of icing... I can do it with my eyes closed. lol You may not want to ask Alicia though... you may get punched in the face. We spend our Sunday evenings fighting and making icing together and we spend our Monday evenings making fun of "dirty cakes" (it's a lady in our class) and concentrating really hard on how to take what the teacher says and make it left-handed (for Alicia). I find myself trying to help her figure this out even though I can barely do it right-handed myself. I guess that's the "big sister" mentality. We have named ourselves the "special ed students" of the class and call ourselves that out loud in class. I have to say that it has been really fun though and it's making Alicia and I closer.
Speaking of Alicia... the other night she mentioned the show "The Torkelsons." Do you remember that show?? I had totally forgotten all about it. It's crazy what comes back to you at the strangest moments sometimes.
I am still working at Recovery House. It's gotten better. I feel more comfortable in my position than I did a year ago. I also have some great friends there that make the time so much better.
Ivy Tech has called my name again this semester: Business and Algebra. Could I get a more boring schedule?? I only make it through by thinking of the embalming class that will one day show it's face on that piece of paper. I am almost done with all of my general ed classes for my mortuary science degree. Following that I will just need to do my concentration classes, but will have to go to Indy for that. Fun. Fun.
I finally have my pink lady revolver. It is beautiful. So pretty. I love it!! On the downside... still no penguin. I'm beginning to think that people aren't taking me serious about this.
God bless Courtney for giving me the bumpits for my hair. That word looks too much like armpits for my liking, but they make my hair look fantabulous. That was nice of her even if I did have to wait in line for like 20 minutes to get her a medium snickers cyclone with brownie chunks at 9PM and bring it to her. Gosh... you'd think she was pregnant or something... oh, wait, she is. LOL. That's right... Cameron is going to have a little brother. It's going to be hard to compete with Cameron though, that boy has my heart! I got some dirt on him! It's amazing what you learn just from picking a kid up from school. He has sworn me to secrecy though... so I can't divulge... but, let's just say that I'm going to be calling him "hot lips" from now on! LOL
Well... I wish that I had a funny story... joke... gossip... or something, but I don't!! So... I guess this is it!
Posted by April at 2:18 AM
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Here's something about me that you may/may not know. I enjoy writing. I write a lot. I love this blog because it gives me the freedom to write about mundane things that may not matter to most. I love to be able to just write for the sake of writing. If you don't like it, then you don't have to read it. If what I write bothers you, then don't read it. You know?!? Well... here I go. I'm going to rant...
Yesterday I received a message out of the blue saying "sorry about
Sorry that you all had to sit through that, but I just had to get it off my shoulders.
Oh. BTW "Whoa Nelly" has been my line for about 13 YEARS, cowboy!!
Posted by April at 3:03 AM
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Another day... another Paul Poteet tie.
My latest "big endeavor" is that I am becoming a cake decorating expert along with my sister Alicia. Oh, you may be thinking that I am exaggerating just a little... you may be right, but we are definitely improving. If the teacher gave out certificates for the ones who started out as the Special Ed students and improved to moderately handicapped, well, then... we'd bag that cert!
Here is my clown cake =) kinda dark, but you can see how awesome it is!!
I have been having some off the wall thoughts AGAIN! Just when I think that things and life is going better, then it's like I get hit in the head with a 2x4. I just don't understand some things. There are days when I just really want to walk (not drive) away and just start over. Not looking back. Not worrying about anyone. Just focusing on me. A little efficiency apartment, a good book, and a nice comfy blankie... I know that it makes me sound a little crazy, but sometimes life just gets so overwhelming that I just want to "get away." Nothing spectacular has happened or anything like that... it's just too busy... too crowded... too un-private. It seems as if there is always some sort of drama. I am so over the drama. So over it.
Often times I feel as if I am looking for him. I know that he's there, but it seems as if either I really suck at praying or the people that I pray for just don't want to change. I haven't felt that "closeness" to him since I left Clay Faith Center. It is just so disheartening how Satan made it possible for a few words to shatter so many lives. A few words. That's it. I would do anything in this world to go back in time and to have that day never happen. I wish that I could erase so many things that have happened since then and just "forget" about them. I loved that place. I loved those people. I loved everything about it. I did. I promise. Each week I felt the spirit. Each week I heard a message that spoke to me. I have heard very few pastors who have been able to keep me interested and "wanting" to go to church on a Sunday morning. I know that I've fallen since I left. I know that I've made bad decisions. I know that in some eyes I would be so horrible if they only knew. Anyway, can't change the past, but I have to look forward to the future. I have to find that niche, that place that I fit. I have to find people who will be so loving and open as they were. I have to find them in order to really find HIM. I don't know if this makes sense or not, but I am so lost spiritually right now that I need that structured guidance. Not only for me, but for my home, my life, & my future.
I need a new job like the news needs to quit dwelling on Michael Jackson. The place is driving me insane. I am constantly tired and stressed.
Hatred is such a strong emotion and I wish that I could quit having it. I find myself dripping with hatred over things and people soooo often. Where is the old nice April?? I remember when I was so tolerable to people/things that others thought I was stupid. Maybe I was... anyway... I need to get back to that old tolerable state.
Here is the truth section:
*I really want to just drink. Yeah, drink until I'm drunk. No, I won't, but I want to.
*I have no patience for people on welfare. I have witnessed too many drug addicts who smoke and don't work and take a little bit of my money each month. I know... it's mean.
*I want to be good at something. Something. Anything. I fail at it all.
*I wish that I had a little dog that I could have as my bestest friend. It would be a little girl and I would put little pink bows in her hair and name her something cute like Glitter or Sparkle.
*Josh & I have named our kids if they are to be boys (if we EVER have any): Nehemiah Malachi & Noah Ryan. Yeah. He picked out the middle names... If it was me, then it would be Nehemiah Matthew or something normal sounding =) lol.
*If we have girls I really love the names Maylen or Mandolin-- my guess is that he doesn't though. Anyway... we'll see.
Well... lots more RAMBLINGS courtesy of me... sorry.
Posted by April at 3:00 AM
Monday, August 17, 2009
Oh, my. How long has it been?? Well... a little while anyway. I have a few updates, insights, & of course a hint of witty commentary to share.
First, I just want to say that I don't just think that it is coincidental that the new Hurricane is named Bill. Just saying...
Secondly, Hershey's Skor candy bars are the best thing in the world. Again, just saying...
And lastly, my name is April, and I am a facebook addict.
I am back at Ivy Tech this fall. Hopefully it's better this time around: Intro to Business & Algebra. Both will assist me in heading to my final goal- deputy coroner!! Anyway... next semester I am going to start taking at least one class a semester in Indy as to get my mortuary science degree. I really, really, really want it. I don't care what anyone thinks about this, because I know that it is what I want to do with my life. So... pfhhhhh!!
We still haven't moved, but are planning to within the next month. CAN'T WAIT!! Right now our garage is full of tons of stuff that we need to sell : glass display cases, wall boards, free standing walls, a fridge, countertop, etc... . If you know of anyone who needs any of this, then please, please have them contact me: 812-325-0040!!
We have closed our skate shop for the time being, but plan on re-opening it in the future. First we need to take care of some of our own things.
We are planning a vacation to either Branson or a Cruise to the Bahamas. I'm thinking we're leading toward the Bahamas- lol. Who knows though =)
Well... I know it's not much of an update, but it's all that I have time for. I have to do a little sleuthing.... Bwahahahaha.
Posted by April at 3:56 AM
Friday, June 26, 2009
First off, I love my family. I really, really love them. They are crazy and all, but I would punchasize anyone's face that said a word about them. I love to read, but rarely have time for it. As I get older, I am getting more calloused, but I have always wanted to give second chances to people and have faith in people changing. I have a dime sized tattoo that I usually have covered with a band-aid due to the wrath of my father if he ever found out. It's just a little green, four-leaf clover. I really want one on the top of my foot that is the Chinese symbol for sister. We'll see. It would be a lot more effective if ALL of my sisters had the same one, but fat chance of that happening.
I love comedies, action, drama, horror, anything except sci-fi. If the movie has the word "star" in the title it sucks. Sorry, it does. Well, except "LoneSTAR State of Mind." That was funny. The first "date" that I ever went on was to see "Stargate." Wow. I was so bored and was only there for the hand holding.... seriously. Sorry if you're reading this, Gabe, but it's true. The Breakfast Club and Billy Madison are my two absolute favorite movies, but Chris Farley will always have a special place in my heart!! He gave me the inspiration to not live in a van down by the river =)
I have a horrible time with kidney stones and get them often and the doctors have said that I need to quit drinking caffeine, BUT I am addicted to mountain dew. I'm like a crack addict when it comes to it. I just can't stop!! Seriously.
I love when it rains. It is my favorite. I love little penguins and if I had one, then I would care for it like no zoo ever could! ha ha!! I don't understand my obsession with them, but it could have been my love of Chilly Willy. He was an amazing cartoon actor. He should have won an emmy. No doubt!
Coloring is so much fun that it should be my job. I love to color and I am anal about my coloring books and crayons. I used to have a written set of rules for any one who colored in my books. Yeah, ask Courtney. There was a stringent screening process that they had to go through and they had to sign the rules. HA HA. I'm a freak. I know.
Pizza Hut pepperoni pizza and KFC boneless bbq wings are amazing. They are my favorite fast food things to eat.
I love to cook and I am good at it, BUT I hate dishes so much that I wish they would die. I know, that's pretty mean, but tis true. I have had so many compliments on my meatloaf, lasagna, chili, and even nasty tuna casserole that I should have my own show on the The Food Network. lol I won't mention that most of the people who I cook for are right out of jail or prison. ha ha.
I love hanging out at our shop and in my spare time I am harrassed by little teen hoodlum boys who love to get me all riled up. I love it, though. I get about 50 texts a day from them all saying "i c u" and it makes me want to kill them. I am really trying not to, though. They also find it funny to "gang up" on me and start slamming me through facebook chat. We are only 2 feet from one another, but they find it necessary to harass me via the internet. They all stand around laughing and typing their best joke in the little chat box. I find myself speechless most of the time and end up just threatening to shoot them.
I am obsessed with Seinfeld and can relate any and all situations that I encouter back to one of their episodes. I am also an avid fan of Forensic Files, all of the CSI's, and the "World's Dumbest" show. Dane Cook is the most hilarious man alive and I try to quote him daily =) The most hilarious woman is either my sister Ashley or my cousin Amber... they are pretty equal!!
I am terribly shy in person and on the phone, but sometimes get a little too non-shy via texting and im-ing. I wish that I could be more foreward, but it is so hard for me. I don't know why, because I used to be very outgoing and opinionated about everything. I need to get back to that old independent me!
My sis and I used to buy pens and pencils that we knew no one would steal. We would cherish them. We would buy the ones that said names on them, but we'd pick names like "Judy" or "Barbara" or something like that. It was really funny and showed our retardedness even more. I used my Judy pen until it fell apart, though!!
I love IU basketball and always have and always will. Sorry, but they can put any coach in there that they want to and I will still root for them. I can't stand those "fair-weather" fans that love them when they're winning and hate them when they're losing. That's dumb! My favorite IU player ever was Damon Bailey. I love him! I also loved Neil Reed for some reason. I don't know why, but I think it's because my dad hated him! lol!!!Well... I know this is a lot of crap to read that isn't important at all, but I felt like being real for a minute. I don't know! Anyway. I'm out!!
Posted by April at 3:43 PM
Thursday, June 25, 2009
So flippin' sick of this word. Seriously...
Ok. First it was mom. Outcome= thryroid cancer
Next. Mamaw. Outcome= breast cancer
Now. Josh. My husband. Nope, not an ulcer. Nope, not his gallbladder. Liver. Needs a biopsy.
I swear that it seems as when I think my life just can't get any worse... I am proven so wrong.
I need HIM back in my life. I've lost him somewhere along the way. Yeah, I lost him, he didn't lose me. I know that Jesus has always been there, waiting, waiting for me to come back to him.
What is wrong with me?? Why do I think that I can just float through this life and try to do things on my own?? When I become unhappy in situations, then I feel as if I am the only one who can fix them. Need to quit this. Need to rely on God. Need to put my problems, fears, hopes, worries, and everything else in his hands.
A very smart person told me that he thought he was a "fake" Christian. Just being able to acknowledge that in itself makes him not fake. It's not about the world. It's about us and Christ. We all have our vices. We all have our sin. No sin is greater than another. We all feel guilt over these sins and feel "fake" when we succumb to those temptations. I know that I do. The thing is that we all do sin. That is why the ultimate sacrifice had to be paid. So that grace can be given to us and that we don't have to slaughter a whole bunch of livestock (or something like that). We just have to accept that forgiveness. Take it in. He knows. He knows the temptations that Satan throws in our paths. He knows that we sometimes stumble over them and sometimes are able to do cartwheels over them and karate chop em' down. Realizing that is the only thing that can get us through this life.
I am so scared of the future. Really scared. My temptations are ones that I never thought would be something that I would struggle with. The problem is that I like this sin. I mean is there really any sin that isn't likeable?? If they weren't then we wouldn't be tempted by them. I know that I have to pray harder, fight harder, and love stronger. I have to battle the world everyday. I have to battle this temptation. I have to be more observant of Satan's landmines. The only thing that I can think is that I am not alone. We are all together in this: battling Satan and his war tactics. I have to pick up my shield and sword and go at it, but not on the front lines. Jesus is there for me! I just have to fall on my knees and let him protect me!
And by the way Mr. Fake Christian, I am so sorry for everything!
Posted by April at 3:50 PM