Missing Myself...

If time could turn back, then I would. I am not one of those liars who say, "I wouldn't change anything... it made me who I am." Nope. Not me. I wish that I could go back in time. I wish that I could've started this life out the right way. I wish that I would have turned out to be a different person. A person who is desirable, one who can be loved, one who doesn't judge, one who is balanced, one who can be okay with herself. I wish that I was beautiful, thin, wealthy, giving, and not so easy to leave. I wish that I would have treated people in my life differently- better. I wish that I didn't cry every, single day over stupid things and things that will never change. I wish that I had a church family and that I had never left the ones I loved- the ones who were there for me, the ones who guided me, held my spiritual hand. I wish that I could dispose of bitterness, saddness, anger, guilt, and obsessiveness. I wish that I could forget things in this life and just look forward always. I wish that I was an honestly good person. I want to be that person who everyone thinks is so nice. Not because I give them things or do things for them, but just because my demeanor is one that omits kindness and love. I want to live a life jumping over puddles instead of falling flat on my face in them. I want my old friends in my life. Amber, Amanda, even my sisters- I miss them so much that it makes my heart ache. I want to have a favorite show again. I want to go to concerts, plays, out to eat, ball games, movies, anywhere. I want to be able to have new things- nice things. I don't want to have to work all the time. I don't want to worry and fret over bills and money. I wish that I hadn't screwed up my life beyond repair. I don't want to live a lie. I want to have fun again. Laugh again. I want to make people laugh again. I want to have a space, a place in this world. I want to fit in. I want to have silence sometimes. I don't want to fear being unconnected. I want a life. I want to be me again. I miss me.

God bless you or You are so good looking

A few weeks ago I was in a really bad mood. No, seriously. I was working at my favorite video store and trying to not go off on any customers. Hey, some days it is hard, you know? Anyway, I was just stewing and annoyed. As I was walking back into the office, I sneezed. I hate sneezing. I always try to make it really quiet as for no one to hear. Well, so, I sneezed and I hear this tiny voice from the front of the store say, "God bless you." I walked around and said "thank you," as I stared into the face of a little girl. She was around 8 years old or so and had wandered in to buy some candy. I was shocked. I don't remember the last time that I heard someone say that-- and to hear it from such a little girl. It totally turned my day around. For some reason that little girl's initiative to "bless me" for sneezing morphed me into happy mode. I don't really know why I wanted to share this, but I felt like it is almost out of the ordinary now days. I am so grateful that there are parents out there who are teaching their little ones manners, politeness, and just plain innocence.

On that note...

One of my favorite Seinfeld episodes argues the importance of saying "bless you" after a sneeze. They go back and forth asking what "blessing" the sneezer really does for them. Jerry suggests that saying, "you are soooo good looking" after a sneeze will make the sneezer feel better. That just cracks me up! I sometimes say it to people after they sneeze and they just look at me like a freak. Well, unless it's Brandon Palmer-- he'd get it!

~April~

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHQ6aKizxUE

Lyfe.

Sometimes we get a rude awakening, don't we? The past few months have been really hard for me and I have found myself crying more and more. I can't believe the memories that I am allowing myself to conjure up. I can't believe that I ache still with these thoughts. I can't believe that sadness lasts so long. While skimming through some myspace pages this shift, I came across a sentence that was a punch in the stomach. I knew it was about me. I didn't say it, but I knew, you know? As I read it, I realized that my life can't and won't ever be the same. I won't have a life that involves a silent house. The t.v. will always be on. Someone will always be awake. Never again will I "go to bed," lights out, goodnight, zzzz. Nope, that isn't in the cards. Never again will I be the passenger in the car more than the driver. Not going to happen. I can forget about making creamy peas- no one likes them but me. No more corn pudding. What's the point?? In fact, with my schedule, I don't even cook anymore. How can I?

midnight-8 (work)
8:30-2 (sleep)
2-9(shop, work, or school depending on the day)
9:30-11:30- housework/laundry/anything else
then it all begins again

I finally am believing that life will not be as I always knew it. There won't be order or structure. Things will be hectic. Something will always be going on. We will have visitors. There will be lots of phone calls. This is my new life. And by the way... my head never has fit in that spot the same way.

UPDATE...

Well... we got around 15 inches or so of snow this week. It was awful. Terrible. I hate snow so much. We shoveled the driveway together and that was actually nice. We were "snowed in" for a few days and watched some movies and stuff. Can you believe that my tree is still up?

We are moving. Not sure where yet. Somewhere in Ellettsville probably. We will be closer to the shop and out of the house. I have been looking at some duplexes off of Union Valley. They are really nice, but we've yet to decide.

Due to the whole moving thing I am going to have to start "going through" my house. 9 years worth of "garb" to wade through. Lord be with me. Give me strength to toss 3/4 of it!!

Josh bought me a 32. Yeah, a gun. It's little. It fits perfectly in my hand. I am so scared of it and he says that he is going to make me shoot it soon. ha. We'll see. He is also trying to get me to start carrying. ha again. Too scary for me.

My new enemy (who is also my old enemy) is Psycho Santa. The tie-dyed terror who roams the halls of the Eagle's Nest picking up kids and drop kicking them across the parking lot. He is a bad man. Very bad man.

I've had a super case of insomnia as of late. I also haven't been able to eat anything. Just not hungry! I do need some sleep though. Soon. I can do without the food though!

Thinking about my future career again... what do I really want to do?!?

Whelp. That's all for now... for now... for now... .

**April**

New goals... or maybe they're resolutions... or maybe they're unreachable... or not.

Well... I don't think I have done a very successful job of keeping with my goals... so I am re-organizing. Setting ones that are a little more important, a little more attainable, and a little more easier to remember to do.


Goal #1
I will strive to rid my life of unneccesary worry and stress. This means NOT seeing issues where there really aren't. This means letting others worry about their own problems. This means trying to not lay awake at night with knots in my stomach over something that cannot be changed.


Goal #2
It's time to get healthy. Yes, healthy. I have to stop crying around about the way I look while continuing to suck down the mountain dew and tear open the chip bags. I need to find a way, a time, to exercise. I want to be healthy and I want to be pretty and desirable. In order be this, then I have to be willing to do something about it.



Goal #3
I will read one book a week. It's time that I admit that I LOVE reading. I love it. A good book seems to keep me balanced in such a hectic life. I need to make time for this passion. When I have down time I need to take advantage of reading instead of surfing the web or starring at the wall. It seems as if I am happier when I am into a good book.



Goal #4

I will be a better Christian. I will read my Bible more, pray, and really try to connect with God. I will not let others bring me down and I will not fall back on my past behaviors. I will try to save others through example. I will show Christ's love through my actions and words.










Goal #5
I am going to do my best to be more open-minded and less judgmental. This may be really hard, because my big issue with people is those who appear to be users and try to change the morality of others. It bothers me to see someone who used to be such a "good" person totally change from the influence of others. And then I start to really dislike those "others" without even knowing them. I'm going to try to do better.






Goal #6
I will keep up to date on my homework for school. So far I've had a 4.0 all the way through Ivy Tech. That's good, but I find myself cramming in work at the very last second that it's due- not so cool. Anyway, I will definitely keep up on this. I have to.




Goal #7
I will give my husband more space. I tend to be overbearing and want to be with him all the time. I know that this isn't healthy. I am afraid that if I don't have his attention all the time, then he'll one day forget about me and never come back home. Don't laugh- it's happened before. My paranoia is going to be the end of me if I don't get it under control.





Goal #8
I will be a better budgeteer. Is that even a word?? Anyway, I will pay my bills on time and keep up to date with them. Squandering is out! Saving is in! All hail frugelness! Again, is that a word?













Goal #9
My home will be clean. Yes, clean. Laundry done and put away. Dishes not on the counters or in the sink. Floors mopped and swept. Heck, I may even make the bed. Who knows?!? I plan on moving soon and my new place will be treated a lot better than the one that I now have.




and...

Goal #10
I plan to live life day by day. Sounds easy... but it really isn't. I need to live each day knowing that God is with me and that whatever tomorrow brings that I can handle it. I need to remember that worrying and fretting doesn't do any good. I need to live in the moment, because there may not be a tomorrow. There is no guarantee. I will call my parents and grandparents often. I will plan things with my sisters and Courtney and Pam and Amanda and whoever else that I have neglected lately. I will try to be the me that somewhere got lost in the past two and a half years. I miss the old April. I miss being independent and funny. I miss making people smile and laugh. I miss loving and being loved. It's time that I got over myself and my pity and my sorrow and start living again. Screw those who kicked me when I was down. Screw those who left me behind for their own gain. Screw those who broke promises, lied, or used me. I am done wasting hate on them. I am finished with that part of history. Now there is only today, because I know as well as anyone, that things can change in an instant--- that is why I am choosing to live in the moment.

~**April**~

In a perfect world...

Bicycles really would "share the road."

It would rain constantly, but not flood.

Coke wouldn't make you fat.

Cheating spouses would automatically ignite and float away in ashes.

And their surviving spouse would have no recollection of their existence.

Icy wouldn't even make it into the forecast.

Christmas decorations would put themselves away.

No meal would take longer than 10 minutes to cook. Ever.

Real vehicles would be made out of matchbox car materials (those things can take a beating and never even dent-LOL).

Guys would never, ever come between friends.

There would be no need for tanning salons, because everyone would naturally be tan. Always.

Sleep would be more important than anything else. Bosses would say, "What? You haven't had 8 hours? You go straight home and I'll pay you anyway."

Life would be easy.

Well... some blessings come from a car that lacks a radio. I've had a lot of time lately to think. Yes, think. I have tried to go back in time in my mind and find the last time that I was actually, really, honestly happy. After much trying and rehashing memories, I've realized that I have never really been happy. I mean, don't get me wrong, there have been happy moments, but to actually say that I was completely happy during any one time in my life brings a blank. This is really good news in a sense, because I can't sit here and think back to a time when life was better or easier or happier, because that time doesn't exist. Maybe it never will? I don't know.

Fricky, Fricky, Frazzled...

A typical day for me is pretty hectic. Let's first remember that I work 2 jobs and open our skate shop almost every afternoon. I go to school and try to sleep and eat occassionally. Now let's add in that I had to do volunteer work for one of my classes. Yes, I am serious.

Oh, that's not all... here are a few typical, everyday statements that I may hear in the wee hours of the morning...

"The voices taught me how to play guitar."
"I'm not an addict, I just do pills, they're not bad."
"Why do YOU get to drink pop?" (hmm... sobriety has rewards?)
"Ha ha. I steal money from my_____ (insert any family member that is beloved to most!)"
"Why are you rationing out wet wipes?"
"It's cold!"
"It's hot"
"wah wah wah"
"Sorry I didn't come when you called. I am having withdrawls." (what does that have to do with listening?)
"I'm getting picked on just because I am breaking a lot of little rules (add whiny voice to this one).
"Is it time for meds? Smoke break? meds? smoke break? meds? smoke break?"

Oh, these are just a few! To put it lightly... I am going insane!!!! Yeah, I am serious.

Overworked. Stressed. Trying desperately to choose between doing online finals and reading Eclipse (3rd of the Twilight series). Fidgeting. Not sleeping. Not eating. No nerve pills left. I. Am. Going. Crazy!

Can someone recommend a good doctor? Or at least good meds?

Thanks! Buh Bye!