Sunday, December 20, 2009


Oh, for real... I am so unhappy with my life. I can't stand that fact that I am here and in this exact spot because of so many ignorant stupid mistakes done by me: master of retardation. What if I had done things differently?? What if I had been more loving?? What if I had gotten my degree earlier in life?? Would I be here? On this couch? Unloved. Unwanted. Unattractive. I know that this is pretty much a "pity rant," but I am approaching 30 years old. All I ever wanted out of life was to be a mother and I don't see that happening. Why does she get that?? Why does she get to take what was mine and live the life that I dreamed?? Better yet, where is the fairness, where is the mending, where is GOD?!!?!? I am the one who worked and worked to try to better our lives. I am the one who went without more than anyone. I am the one who was faithful to a fault. I am the one who lost my dog, my car, my credit, my church, my home, my independence, and my faith. WHY???? Why. It is a small word that weighs more than any, but it can never be answered. I don't know why, you don't know why, no one knows why. It's a hard life and I just so happened to make some dumb decisions and make it a lot harder on my self. I hope that I can one day not hate you, but it is so hard. It is so hard to know that you are happy and to know that I deserve to be. I hate Christmas. I hate happy little families. I hate light. And most of all, I hate myself with all that is within me. And I probably always will. So sick of being this pathetic piece of garbage that was discarded as if I never meant anything at all. True is though, that is exactly what I was.