Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Missing Myself...

If time could turn back, then I would. I am not one of those liars who say, "I wouldn't change anything... it made me who I am." Nope. Not me. I wish that I could go back in time. I wish that I could've started this life out the right way. I wish that I would have turned out to be a different person. A person who is desirable, one who can be loved, one who doesn't judge, one who is balanced, one who can be okay with herself. I wish that I was beautiful, thin, wealthy, giving, and not so easy to leave. I wish that I would have treated people in my life differently- better. I wish that I didn't cry every, single day over stupid things and things that will never change. I wish that I had a church family and that I had never left the ones I loved- the ones who were there for me, the ones who guided me, held my spiritual hand. I wish that I could dispose of bitterness, saddness, anger, guilt, and obsessiveness. I wish that I could forget things in this life and just look forward always. I wish that I was an honestly good person. I want to be that person who everyone thinks is so nice. Not because I give them things or do things for them, but just because my demeanor is one that omits kindness and love. I want to live a life jumping over puddles instead of falling flat on my face in them. I want my old friends in my life. Amber, Amanda, even my sisters- I miss them so much that it makes my heart ache. I want to have a favorite show again. I want to go to concerts, plays, out to eat, ball games, movies, anywhere. I want to be able to have new things- nice things. I don't want to have to work all the time. I don't want to worry and fret over bills and money. I wish that I hadn't screwed up my life beyond repair. I don't want to live a lie. I want to have fun again. Laugh again. I want to make people laugh again. I want to have a space, a place in this world. I want to fit in. I want to have silence sometimes. I don't want to fear being unconnected. I want a life. I want to be me again. I miss me.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

God bless you or You are so good looking

A few weeks ago I was in a really bad mood. No, seriously. I was working at my favorite video store and trying to not go off on any customers. Hey, some days it is hard, you know? Anyway, I was just stewing and annoyed. As I was walking back into the office, I sneezed. I hate sneezing. I always try to make it really quiet as for no one to hear. Well, so, I sneezed and I hear this tiny voice from the front of the store say, "God bless you." I walked around and said "thank you," as I stared into the face of a little girl. She was around 8 years old or so and had wandered in to buy some candy. I was shocked. I don't remember the last time that I heard someone say that-- and to hear it from such a little girl. It totally turned my day around. For some reason that little girl's initiative to "bless me" for sneezing morphed me into happy mode. I don't really know why I wanted to share this, but I felt like it is almost out of the ordinary now days. I am so grateful that there are parents out there who are teaching their little ones manners, politeness, and just plain innocence.

On that note...

One of my favorite Seinfeld episodes argues the importance of saying "bless you" after a sneeze. They go back and forth asking what "blessing" the sneezer really does for them. Jerry suggests that saying, "you are soooo good looking" after a sneeze will make the sneezer feel better. That just cracks me up! I sometimes say it to people after they sneeze and they just look at me like a freak. Well, unless it's Brandon Palmer-- he'd get it!


Sunday, February 1, 2009


Sometimes we get a rude awakening, don't we? The past few months have been really hard for me and I have found myself crying more and more. I can't believe the memories that I am allowing myself to conjure up. I can't believe that I ache still with these thoughts. I can't believe that sadness lasts so long. While skimming through some myspace pages this shift, I came across a sentence that was a punch in the stomach. I knew it was about me. I didn't say it, but I knew, you know? As I read it, I realized that my life can't and won't ever be the same. I won't have a life that involves a silent house. The t.v. will always be on. Someone will always be awake. Never again will I "go to bed," lights out, goodnight, zzzz. Nope, that isn't in the cards. Never again will I be the passenger in the car more than the driver. Not going to happen. I can forget about making creamy peas- no one likes them but me. No more corn pudding. What's the point?? In fact, with my schedule, I don't even cook anymore. How can I?

midnight-8 (work)
8:30-2 (sleep)
2-9(shop, work, or school depending on the day)
9:30-11:30- housework/laundry/anything else
then it all begins again

I finally am believing that life will not be as I always knew it. There won't be order or structure. Things will be hectic. Something will always be going on. We will have visitors. There will be lots of phone calls. This is my new life. And by the way... my head never has fit in that spot the same way.


Well... we got around 15 inches or so of snow this week. It was awful. Terrible. I hate snow so much. We shoveled the driveway together and that was actually nice. We were "snowed in" for a few days and watched some movies and stuff. Can you believe that my tree is still up?

We are moving. Not sure where yet. Somewhere in Ellettsville probably. We will be closer to the shop and out of the house. I have been looking at some duplexes off of Union Valley. They are really nice, but we've yet to decide.

Due to the whole moving thing I am going to have to start "going through" my house. 9 years worth of "garb" to wade through. Lord be with me. Give me strength to toss 3/4 of it!!

Josh bought me a 32. Yeah, a gun. It's little. It fits perfectly in my hand. I am so scared of it and he says that he is going to make me shoot it soon. ha. We'll see. He is also trying to get me to start carrying. ha again. Too scary for me.

My new enemy (who is also my old enemy) is Psycho Santa. The tie-dyed terror who roams the halls of the Eagle's Nest picking up kids and drop kicking them across the parking lot. He is a bad man. Very bad man.

I've had a super case of insomnia as of late. I also haven't been able to eat anything. Just not hungry! I do need some sleep though. Soon. I can do without the food though!

Thinking about my future career again... what do I really want to do?!?

Whelp. That's all for now... for now... for now... .