Oh, for real... I am so unhappy with my life. I can't stand that fact that I am here and in this exact spot because of so many ignorant stupid mistakes done by me: master of retardation. What if I had done things differently?? What if I had been more loving?? What if I had gotten my degree earlier in life?? Would I be here? On this couch? Unloved. Unwanted. Unattractive. I know that this is pretty much a "pity rant," but I am approaching 30 years old. All I ever wanted out of life was to be a mother and I don't see that happening. Why does she get that?? Why does she get to take what was mine and live the life that I dreamed?? Better yet, where is the fairness, where is the mending, where is GOD?!!?!? I am the one who worked and worked to try to better our lives. I am the one who went without more than anyone. I am the one who was faithful to a fault. I am the one who lost my dog, my car, my credit, my church, my home, my independence, and my faith. WHY???? Why. It is a small word that weighs more than any, but it can never be answered. I don't know why, you don't know why, no one knows why. It's a hard life and I just so happened to make some dumb decisions and make it a lot harder on my self. I hope that I can one day not hate you, but it is so hard. It is so hard to know that you are happy and to know that I deserve to be. I hate Christmas. I hate happy little families. I hate light. And most of all, I hate myself with all that is within me. And I probably always will. So sick of being this pathetic piece of garbage that was discarded as if I never meant anything at all. True is though, that is exactly what I was.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
It amazes me that I am always watching Paul whenever I get the idea to blog. I guess he is just inspiring!
Sooo... It's been a little bit since I last decided to write (or rant in that case). Life is going okay. It could always be better, but it could also always be worse.
Alicia and I are becoming quite the professional cake decoraters. Ask me to make a mum out of icing... I can do it with my eyes closed. lol You may not want to ask Alicia though... you may get punched in the face. We spend our Sunday evenings fighting and making icing together and we spend our Monday evenings making fun of "dirty cakes" (it's a lady in our class) and concentrating really hard on how to take what the teacher says and make it left-handed (for Alicia). I find myself trying to help her figure this out even though I can barely do it right-handed myself. I guess that's the "big sister" mentality. We have named ourselves the "special ed students" of the class and call ourselves that out loud in class. I have to say that it has been really fun though and it's making Alicia and I closer.
Speaking of Alicia... the other night she mentioned the show "The Torkelsons." Do you remember that show?? I had totally forgotten all about it. It's crazy what comes back to you at the strangest moments sometimes.
I am still working at Recovery House. It's gotten better. I feel more comfortable in my position than I did a year ago. I also have some great friends there that make the time so much better.
Ivy Tech has called my name again this semester: Business and Algebra. Could I get a more boring schedule?? I only make it through by thinking of the embalming class that will one day show it's face on that piece of paper. I am almost done with all of my general ed classes for my mortuary science degree. Following that I will just need to do my concentration classes, but will have to go to Indy for that. Fun. Fun.
I finally have my pink lady revolver. It is beautiful. So pretty. I love it!! On the downside... still no penguin. I'm beginning to think that people aren't taking me serious about this.
God bless Courtney for giving me the bumpits for my hair. That word looks too much like armpits for my liking, but they make my hair look fantabulous. That was nice of her even if I did have to wait in line for like 20 minutes to get her a medium snickers cyclone with brownie chunks at 9PM and bring it to her. Gosh... you'd think she was pregnant or something... oh, wait, she is. LOL. That's right... Cameron is going to have a little brother. It's going to be hard to compete with Cameron though, that boy has my heart! I got some dirt on him! It's amazing what you learn just from picking a kid up from school. He has sworn me to secrecy though... so I can't divulge... but, let's just say that I'm going to be calling him "hot lips" from now on! LOL
Well... I wish that I had a funny story... joke... gossip... or something, but I don't!! So... I guess this is it!
Posted by April at 2:18 AM
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Here's something about me that you may/may not know. I enjoy writing. I write a lot. I love this blog because it gives me the freedom to write about mundane things that may not matter to most. I love to be able to just write for the sake of writing. If you don't like it, then you don't have to read it. If what I write bothers you, then don't read it. You know?!? Well... here I go. I'm going to rant...
Yesterday I received a message out of the blue saying "sorry about
Sorry that you all had to sit through that, but I just had to get it off my shoulders.
Oh. BTW "Whoa Nelly" has been my line for about 13 YEARS, cowboy!!
Posted by April at 3:03 AM
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Another day... another Paul Poteet tie.
My latest "big endeavor" is that I am becoming a cake decorating expert along with my sister Alicia. Oh, you may be thinking that I am exaggerating just a little... you may be right, but we are definitely improving. If the teacher gave out certificates for the ones who started out as the Special Ed students and improved to moderately handicapped, well, then... we'd bag that cert!
Here is my clown cake =) kinda dark, but you can see how awesome it is!!
I have been having some off the wall thoughts AGAIN! Just when I think that things and life is going better, then it's like I get hit in the head with a 2x4. I just don't understand some things. There are days when I just really want to walk (not drive) away and just start over. Not looking back. Not worrying about anyone. Just focusing on me. A little efficiency apartment, a good book, and a nice comfy blankie... I know that it makes me sound a little crazy, but sometimes life just gets so overwhelming that I just want to "get away." Nothing spectacular has happened or anything like that... it's just too busy... too crowded... too un-private. It seems as if there is always some sort of drama. I am so over the drama. So over it.
Often times I feel as if I am looking for him. I know that he's there, but it seems as if either I really suck at praying or the people that I pray for just don't want to change. I haven't felt that "closeness" to him since I left Clay Faith Center. It is just so disheartening how Satan made it possible for a few words to shatter so many lives. A few words. That's it. I would do anything in this world to go back in time and to have that day never happen. I wish that I could erase so many things that have happened since then and just "forget" about them. I loved that place. I loved those people. I loved everything about it. I did. I promise. Each week I felt the spirit. Each week I heard a message that spoke to me. I have heard very few pastors who have been able to keep me interested and "wanting" to go to church on a Sunday morning. I know that I've fallen since I left. I know that I've made bad decisions. I know that in some eyes I would be so horrible if they only knew. Anyway, can't change the past, but I have to look forward to the future. I have to find that niche, that place that I fit. I have to find people who will be so loving and open as they were. I have to find them in order to really find HIM. I don't know if this makes sense or not, but I am so lost spiritually right now that I need that structured guidance. Not only for me, but for my home, my life, & my future.
I need a new job like the news needs to quit dwelling on Michael Jackson. The place is driving me insane. I am constantly tired and stressed.
Hatred is such a strong emotion and I wish that I could quit having it. I find myself dripping with hatred over things and people soooo often. Where is the old nice April?? I remember when I was so tolerable to people/things that others thought I was stupid. Maybe I was... anyway... I need to get back to that old tolerable state.
Here is the truth section:
*I really want to just drink. Yeah, drink until I'm drunk. No, I won't, but I want to.
*I have no patience for people on welfare. I have witnessed too many drug addicts who smoke and don't work and take a little bit of my money each month. I know... it's mean.
*I want to be good at something. Something. Anything. I fail at it all.
*I wish that I had a little dog that I could have as my bestest friend. It would be a little girl and I would put little pink bows in her hair and name her something cute like Glitter or Sparkle.
*Josh & I have named our kids if they are to be boys (if we EVER have any): Nehemiah Malachi & Noah Ryan. Yeah. He picked out the middle names... If it was me, then it would be Nehemiah Matthew or something normal sounding =) lol.
*If we have girls I really love the names Maylen or Mandolin-- my guess is that he doesn't though. Anyway... we'll see.
Well... lots more RAMBLINGS courtesy of me... sorry.
Posted by April at 3:00 AM
Monday, August 17, 2009
Oh, my. How long has it been?? Well... a little while anyway. I have a few updates, insights, & of course a hint of witty commentary to share.
First, I just want to say that I don't just think that it is coincidental that the new Hurricane is named Bill. Just saying...
Secondly, Hershey's Skor candy bars are the best thing in the world. Again, just saying...
And lastly, my name is April, and I am a facebook addict.
I am back at Ivy Tech this fall. Hopefully it's better this time around: Intro to Business & Algebra. Both will assist me in heading to my final goal- deputy coroner!! Anyway... next semester I am going to start taking at least one class a semester in Indy as to get my mortuary science degree. I really, really, really want it. I don't care what anyone thinks about this, because I know that it is what I want to do with my life. So... pfhhhhh!!
We still haven't moved, but are planning to within the next month. CAN'T WAIT!! Right now our garage is full of tons of stuff that we need to sell : glass display cases, wall boards, free standing walls, a fridge, countertop, etc... . If you know of anyone who needs any of this, then please, please have them contact me: 812-325-0040!!
We have closed our skate shop for the time being, but plan on re-opening it in the future. First we need to take care of some of our own things.
We are planning a vacation to either Branson or a Cruise to the Bahamas. I'm thinking we're leading toward the Bahamas- lol. Who knows though =)
Well... I know it's not much of an update, but it's all that I have time for. I have to do a little sleuthing.... Bwahahahaha.
Posted by April at 3:56 AM
Friday, June 26, 2009
First off, I love my family. I really, really love them. They are crazy and all, but I would punchasize anyone's face that said a word about them. I love to read, but rarely have time for it. As I get older, I am getting more calloused, but I have always wanted to give second chances to people and have faith in people changing. I have a dime sized tattoo that I usually have covered with a band-aid due to the wrath of my father if he ever found out. It's just a little green, four-leaf clover. I really want one on the top of my foot that is the Chinese symbol for sister. We'll see. It would be a lot more effective if ALL of my sisters had the same one, but fat chance of that happening.
I love comedies, action, drama, horror, anything except sci-fi. If the movie has the word "star" in the title it sucks. Sorry, it does. Well, except "LoneSTAR State of Mind." That was funny. The first "date" that I ever went on was to see "Stargate." Wow. I was so bored and was only there for the hand holding.... seriously. Sorry if you're reading this, Gabe, but it's true. The Breakfast Club and Billy Madison are my two absolute favorite movies, but Chris Farley will always have a special place in my heart!! He gave me the inspiration to not live in a van down by the river =)
I have a horrible time with kidney stones and get them often and the doctors have said that I need to quit drinking caffeine, BUT I am addicted to mountain dew. I'm like a crack addict when it comes to it. I just can't stop!! Seriously.
I love when it rains. It is my favorite. I love little penguins and if I had one, then I would care for it like no zoo ever could! ha ha!! I don't understand my obsession with them, but it could have been my love of Chilly Willy. He was an amazing cartoon actor. He should have won an emmy. No doubt!
Coloring is so much fun that it should be my job. I love to color and I am anal about my coloring books and crayons. I used to have a written set of rules for any one who colored in my books. Yeah, ask Courtney. There was a stringent screening process that they had to go through and they had to sign the rules. HA HA. I'm a freak. I know.
Pizza Hut pepperoni pizza and KFC boneless bbq wings are amazing. They are my favorite fast food things to eat.
I love to cook and I am good at it, BUT I hate dishes so much that I wish they would die. I know, that's pretty mean, but tis true. I have had so many compliments on my meatloaf, lasagna, chili, and even nasty tuna casserole that I should have my own show on the The Food Network. lol I won't mention that most of the people who I cook for are right out of jail or prison. ha ha.
I love hanging out at our shop and in my spare time I am harrassed by little teen hoodlum boys who love to get me all riled up. I love it, though. I get about 50 texts a day from them all saying "i c u" and it makes me want to kill them. I am really trying not to, though. They also find it funny to "gang up" on me and start slamming me through facebook chat. We are only 2 feet from one another, but they find it necessary to harass me via the internet. They all stand around laughing and typing their best joke in the little chat box. I find myself speechless most of the time and end up just threatening to shoot them.
I am obsessed with Seinfeld and can relate any and all situations that I encouter back to one of their episodes. I am also an avid fan of Forensic Files, all of the CSI's, and the "World's Dumbest" show. Dane Cook is the most hilarious man alive and I try to quote him daily =) The most hilarious woman is either my sister Ashley or my cousin Amber... they are pretty equal!!
I am terribly shy in person and on the phone, but sometimes get a little too non-shy via texting and im-ing. I wish that I could be more foreward, but it is so hard for me. I don't know why, because I used to be very outgoing and opinionated about everything. I need to get back to that old independent me!
My sis and I used to buy pens and pencils that we knew no one would steal. We would cherish them. We would buy the ones that said names on them, but we'd pick names like "Judy" or "Barbara" or something like that. It was really funny and showed our retardedness even more. I used my Judy pen until it fell apart, though!!
I love IU basketball and always have and always will. Sorry, but they can put any coach in there that they want to and I will still root for them. I can't stand those "fair-weather" fans that love them when they're winning and hate them when they're losing. That's dumb! My favorite IU player ever was Damon Bailey. I love him! I also loved Neil Reed for some reason. I don't know why, but I think it's because my dad hated him! lol!!!Well... I know this is a lot of crap to read that isn't important at all, but I felt like being real for a minute. I don't know! Anyway. I'm out!!
Posted by April at 3:43 PM
Thursday, June 25, 2009
So flippin' sick of this word. Seriously...
Ok. First it was mom. Outcome= thryroid cancer
Next. Mamaw. Outcome= breast cancer
Now. Josh. My husband. Nope, not an ulcer. Nope, not his gallbladder. Liver. Needs a biopsy.
I swear that it seems as when I think my life just can't get any worse... I am proven so wrong.
I need HIM back in my life. I've lost him somewhere along the way. Yeah, I lost him, he didn't lose me. I know that Jesus has always been there, waiting, waiting for me to come back to him.
What is wrong with me?? Why do I think that I can just float through this life and try to do things on my own?? When I become unhappy in situations, then I feel as if I am the only one who can fix them. Need to quit this. Need to rely on God. Need to put my problems, fears, hopes, worries, and everything else in his hands.
A very smart person told me that he thought he was a "fake" Christian. Just being able to acknowledge that in itself makes him not fake. It's not about the world. It's about us and Christ. We all have our vices. We all have our sin. No sin is greater than another. We all feel guilt over these sins and feel "fake" when we succumb to those temptations. I know that I do. The thing is that we all do sin. That is why the ultimate sacrifice had to be paid. So that grace can be given to us and that we don't have to slaughter a whole bunch of livestock (or something like that). We just have to accept that forgiveness. Take it in. He knows. He knows the temptations that Satan throws in our paths. He knows that we sometimes stumble over them and sometimes are able to do cartwheels over them and karate chop em' down. Realizing that is the only thing that can get us through this life.
I am so scared of the future. Really scared. My temptations are ones that I never thought would be something that I would struggle with. The problem is that I like this sin. I mean is there really any sin that isn't likeable?? If they weren't then we wouldn't be tempted by them. I know that I have to pray harder, fight harder, and love stronger. I have to battle the world everyday. I have to battle this temptation. I have to be more observant of Satan's landmines. The only thing that I can think is that I am not alone. We are all together in this: battling Satan and his war tactics. I have to pick up my shield and sword and go at it, but not on the front lines. Jesus is there for me! I just have to fall on my knees and let him protect me!
And by the way Mr. Fake Christian, I am so sorry for everything!
Posted by April at 3:50 PM
Monday, June 22, 2009
So. Yeah. I totally am seriously going to make out my wish list for all of you to see. Excited?? Thought so...
#1 Duh. Penguin. I am pretty hurt that this wish has gone on for so many years. Why do none of you love me enough to break into the zoo and stash one in your over-sized fanny pack?
#2 Gun. No, not just any gun, but a pink one. I really want it sparkly, but Don-my gun guy- just rolled his eyes at me about the sparkle part. I threatened to bedazzle it if he doesn't come through for me. He seriously has a pink one on order, but I'm not sure about the sparkle part and that is essential.
#3 I want to kick in a door. I credit Dane Cook and his vivid portrayal of his B & E for this desire.
#4 I need to meet Paul Poteet and get my picture taken with him preferrably in front of a hot air balloon for reasons that I cannot disclose at this time.
#5 Job. New job. I want a job that involves me watching t.v. and doing some sort of research crap about it. Oh, and the company has to provide chocolate chip cookies while your working. Oh, and they pay great. Oh, and they also give their employees really soft slippers that feel like clouds that you have to wear while working. I think that's it.
#6 Moolah. I would love for the Publisher's Clearing House to show up at my door with all of those balloons and be like, "hey. congrats. you can quit your t.v. research job!" The problem is that I don't register for those things, so this is a very out there request unlike my others.
#7 My familia. I wish that my sisters and I could get together more and have a ton-o-fun without the petty little bickering and the name calling. I'll have to work on that! We can go do picture scavenger hunts constantly and dodge the police while doing so. Oh, how I miss those days...
#8 Seinfeld to return to t.v. Yes. It would be amazing. Hey, if KNOTB came back, then anything can happen.
#9 Big chunky streaks of burgundy in my hair. Yeah. It would totally rock.
#10 Well... this one is a secret & only one person knows about it and if that person is reading this, then just know that yes, I would do it.
Posted by April at 2:11 AM
Thursday, June 11, 2009
The following is not to "reconnect" or anything foolish like that. It is simply to express closure for myself and come to some serious realizations of what I truly once was.
I feel that you need to know that I now understand why you did what you did and how much of a factor I played in that decision. I was a horrible person to you: demanding, selfish, and condescending (to say the least). I cringe at some things that I did and said. My reactions in ALL situations were ones that seemed to only benefit me and never did consider you. I don't think the way that things happened were the best way to go, but I do understand. I have had everything in this life taken from me.... literally everything. I've been in therapy, on anti-depressants and anxiety medications, and have contemplated suicide several times (even overdosed and ran my car off the road-that was fun). I've spent these years blocking out hurt and hate and I've mentally exhausted myself trying to figure out why, but lately I finally "got it." I DO NOT blame you. I deserved what happened and I blame myself completely for everything. I lacked the qualities that you needed in a person and I hope that you have found those that you deserve.
It did happen for a good reason though. It seems as if you now have that prosperous, happy, successful life that you have always strived for. A beautiful wife and son who I am sure makes you smile daily. Congratulations. I wish you only the best in life now and forever.
I have forgiven all in the past and I hope that someday you can forgive the monster that I was.
Posted by April at 5:06 PM
Sunday, May 10, 2009
What an akward word are you...
Do you even exist...
It seems man may have made you up...
Just to get us pissed.
Life goes on and goes so fast...
Never stopping to breathe...
We turn around and soon realize that...
We're better off to leave.
Happiness is hard to grasp...
And love seems farther still...
What once was hidden by our clouds...
Is often times revealed.
Is life worth the pain and tears...
that fall and wash the truth...
Lingering, hanging, clasping on...
To something we'll soon lose.
Posted by April at 4:31 AM
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Posted by April at 2:25 AM
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Posted by April at 1:07 AM
Monday, May 4, 2009
Sunday, May 3, 2009
I have to say that I feel sorry for only children. No, really, I do. There was a time in my life when I wished every night that I was an only child, but looking back I realize how boring things would have been.
We have so many memories and stories that we can re-hash and laugh for hours about. Little inside jokes that only us and our close friends understand make me smile at the oddest times. My sisters have such a special place in my heart that no one could ever get into.
She is only 16 months younger than me and we grew up fighting like crazy, because we were so close in age. Amy is the one who is fun to pick on. Yeah, there has to be one in the group. She's it. She is the one who's gullible thinking kept us in stitches lots of times. She is also the one who is the penny-pincher. She can budget and is financially better off than the rest of us. She's a hard worker, never has a hair out of place, and is beautiful. I would have beat the crap out of anyone who ever did anything to her in school even though I constantly picked on her myself. She is the clean one. She and I couldn't share a room, because I was "too messy," according to her. To get back at her for this I wrote an essay at school about how messy she was and how gross her room was and read it to the entire class even though it pretty much described my room- ha ha. She was so mad at me. It was her fault that I had my first wreck- she wanted to wave at some guys. Long story, but it was her fault. She claimed that I ran over her foot once. That one is a lie. She once hit me in the face with a 2x4 and bloodied my nose over some baby sitting money. I beat her up too many times to list. We played softball together and had the same group of friends. We went on youth group trips together and have a lot of memories. I don't get to see her much, but I do love her!
Ashley is 4 years younger than me and we have been really close. She was my maid-of-honor in both of my weddings- ha ha. She and I shared a room after Amy split and went to dino-world with Alicia. Ashley and I concocted a lot of things. We started a news program called "Starnes Ridge News" that we would all tape together. Ashley was the newscaster, though. I only remember fighting with her physically once and she did say "bring it," so, I did. When she'd get mad at me she'd try to take it out on my bear-Teddy. And when I was mad at her I'd get her monkey- Montgomery. We saw ghosts together, had near misses with trains, worked almost every job together, and have talked for endless hours. Ashley is the Princess. She even has it on the back of her car window. She loves pink, big purses, and is girly as girly can be. She has listened to me cry a hundred times (probably more than that) and I've always tried to be there for her. She is so funny and can crack one liners as quick as you can blink. She is a May and has my dad's humor. She is always late where ever she goes and gets mad if you point it out. She is beautiful and her and Amy are often "mixed up." We have toooooo many memories that they wouldn't all fit here if I wrote all day. So, anyway, I love her, too.
I was 6 when Alicia was born and I cried. I wanted a brother so bad. I already had 2 sisters and didn't really see the need for another one of those. She is quick-witted like Ashley. She also tells you what she thinks. She can be "mean" and we often accuse her of being bi-polar. She is gorgeous and looks a lot like my dad. People say that we look alike, but trust me, she is much prettier!! Anyway, Alicia tries to be a BAMF, but is really soft-hearted. When my first husband left she was right there beside me all of the way. She took pills out of my hand and moved in with me to keep me company. I have always made fun of her and told her that she was adopted and that her true parents were lesbian African women. She used to cry when I'd say this. Mom would get soooo mad at me for it! She was terrified of everything, but that was probably because I was constantly scaring her. She slept on the couch most of her life to avoid windows. Trolls were to blame for this- don't ask. I once threatened to drop a hair dryer in the bathtub with her dangling it above her- she screamed- dad yelled "what's going on in there"- I said "She won't use the white rain shampoo"- he said "use it and get outta there." He would have killed me if he'd known the truth. I would have killed her if she'd told. I tied her to the porch with pantyhose and put "for sale" signs on her. I locked her in a room and made her listen to a Roger Miller CD for hours trying to guess the titles of all the songs for punishment. I think she still loves "Chug-a-lug, Chug-a-lug." I was mean to her and that is probably why she is so mean now, but that's what sisters are for!! I love this "little kid" who is actually 21 now.
My sisters have always been there when I've needed them and I will always be there for them. We have done crazy things, fun things, and been through some not-so-fun things together. When we come together it's like we've never been apart. When mom had her heart attack and we all met at the hospital it was like my whole world was in that little space. I can't imagine living without them and am glad that I am the oldest, because there is a better chance of me going first!! I know that I have drove them nuts with my "big sister" advice over the years and bossiness and just plain hatefulness at times. I'm sure they've wanted to kill me as many times as I've wanted to kill them. The thing is, though, that I never could hurt them- really hurt them. I love them too much... way too much!!! They will always be my best friends and I will always trust them more than anyone. We have the same DNA... well, except Alicia - her's is African lesbian-LOL.
I love you guys!!
Friday, May 1, 2009
Well, 10 years ago to this date, I was faced with a huge decision. I had to choose whether to start dating a guy that I thought was cute in English class or my bestest friend in the world who traveled hundreds of miles to be my prom date. Well, I chose wrong on that day. Boy, did I ever. Let's just say that flowers, special little songs, opening car doors, and all that jazz don't compare with someone who will still be your friend after all of these years. Someone who will still call on your birthday and visits you at least once every year-- no matter how many states away. Someone who will never forget you, even though you may have hurt them in the past. So... that being said... for all you young-uns out there. Maybe the guy isn't the most charming. Maybe he only knows about working on cars and wouldn't be caught dead in anything but jeans. Maybe his way of saying he cares is teaching you how to drive a stick-shift, but maybe he could be the right one.
The problem with a charmer is that he'll charm everyone and in the end you just end up being a fool that was snake charmed.
Please choose wisely, because a lifetime of regret could be your destiny.
Melissa is a lucky lady ;-)
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Here I sit... again... typing my thoughts out. Again.
Village Video is saying Adios to all... I am deeply saddened and don't know what I'll do with those extra 20+ hours a week. I fear that I may become a text-a-holic. Are there meeting for these?? I hate to text in all actuality, but it is sort of like writing (which I love), but is so time consuming. Then when you are really getting into a GOOD texting session, then the phone rings and you answer it and then are like, "Why aren't I just talking to this person that I am texting?" Then it hits you that behind a text there are no mistakes or slip-ups. You can say something and then delete it without anyone ever knowing. Real time convo has a no-take-backs philosophy. I feel like a third grader saying that... but it's true.
Life seemed to be going way, way downhill. I have been seriously depressed and felt like a worthless piece of aluminum foil that is mangled and wouldn't cover any leftovers and well... let's be honest here... stuck the gun so far down my throat that I choked... but... I don't want to be this way!! A few days ago I began to feel a little happier... I know why... but in all actuality it should make me feel a lot worse. Ahhh... life is so complicated and I just wonder when and how I can figure things out! Something has to change in my life. I can not live like this and I know that I need to get things together. Unhappiness brings on sin and sin brings on unhappiness. It is a continuous cycle, but there is a way out of the circle-- several ways, in fact. One is, of course, death. The other may be worse. The other involves looking at the problems in your life and narrowing them down to one constant and then eliminating that. Tough. Very tough.
I did some research about whether suicide sends one to Hell. Lots of controversy here. I mean really the Bible never says that if you kill yourself, then you are damned, but... it is taught in most denominations. Here is what I read that helped me out (This in NIV-deal with it!):
"How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer me, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall."- Psalm 13:2-4
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."- John 10:10
"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."- James 4:7
"Do not be overwicked, and do not be a fool- why die before your time?"- Ecclesiastes 7:17
To sum things up... I am getting better... I think. I just need to trust in God. The verse that talks about Jesus giving us life and giving it to the full... well... maybe I need to just wait and be patient. You know? Maybe there is a "full" life that will be coming to me. One of happiness and joy. I just have to trust in him... and if you are struggling with temptations... we all are... then maybe it's the same for you.
What a happy post!
Let's end it with this!
*Come on... you gotta sing it...
Turn your eyes upon Jesus...
Look Full in his wonderful face...
And the things of this earthly will grow slowly dim...
In the light of his glory and grace.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
I noticed that I haven't shared my life with you all as of late. Whoever you all are... I don't even know if anyone even reads this "garb." Well... I thought I'd bring you up to speed.
My life still is lying in a gutter, but with the help of some much needed meds - it will hopefully find it's way back up to at least ground level.
A few things I've noticed...
*Only in my house can you go to the bathroom and find a 45 revolver sitting next to the toilet- I'm not joking here.
*Only in my job do you have to argue with grown adults on the amount of sugar that they are allotted each week.
*Only my vehicles seem to hit deer once a month on average.
*Only I would get the computer teacher from Hades that has to be my ex-father-in-law's long lost brother.
*The only time I crave Taco Bell is when I have to be at work in 5 minutes and the drive-thru is full of college kids stretched all the way out to Walnut St.
*Only Paul Poteet can throw out the cheesiest jokes, but still make me cling to him for my weather advice.
*Only the song "I'll Be"-Edwin McCain and the movie "10 Things I hate about you" make me throw up a little bit in my mouth.
*Only the show RoseAnne makes me laugh during every episode.
Wow. So I have to go. Let's argue about smoke break time now! Love it!!
Posted by April at 3:31 AM
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
If time could turn back, then I would. I am not one of those liars who say, "I wouldn't change anything... it made me who I am." Nope. Not me. I wish that I could go back in time. I wish that I could've started this life out the right way. I wish that I would have turned out to be a different person. A person who is desirable, one who can be loved, one who doesn't judge, one who is balanced, one who can be okay with herself. I wish that I was beautiful, thin, wealthy, giving, and not so easy to leave. I wish that I would have treated people in my life differently- better. I wish that I didn't cry every, single day over stupid things and things that will never change. I wish that I had a church family and that I had never left the ones I loved- the ones who were there for me, the ones who guided me, held my spiritual hand. I wish that I could dispose of bitterness, saddness, anger, guilt, and obsessiveness. I wish that I could forget things in this life and just look forward always. I wish that I was an honestly good person. I want to be that person who everyone thinks is so nice. Not because I give them things or do things for them, but just because my demeanor is one that omits kindness and love. I want to live a life jumping over puddles instead of falling flat on my face in them. I want my old friends in my life. Amber, Amanda, even my sisters- I miss them so much that it makes my heart ache. I want to have a favorite show again. I want to go to concerts, plays, out to eat, ball games, movies, anywhere. I want to be able to have new things- nice things. I don't want to have to work all the time. I don't want to worry and fret over bills and money. I wish that I hadn't screwed up my life beyond repair. I don't want to live a lie. I want to have fun again. Laugh again. I want to make people laugh again. I want to have a space, a place in this world. I want to fit in. I want to have silence sometimes. I don't want to fear being unconnected. I want a life. I want to be me again. I miss me.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
A few weeks ago I was in a really bad mood. No, seriously. I was working at my favorite video store and trying to not go off on any customers. Hey, some days it is hard, you know? Anyway, I was just stewing and annoyed. As I was walking back into the office, I sneezed. I hate sneezing. I always try to make it really quiet as for no one to hear. Well, so, I sneezed and I hear this tiny voice from the front of the store say, "God bless you." I walked around and said "thank you," as I stared into the face of a little girl. She was around 8 years old or so and had wandered in to buy some candy. I was shocked. I don't remember the last time that I heard someone say that-- and to hear it from such a little girl. It totally turned my day around. For some reason that little girl's initiative to "bless me" for sneezing morphed me into happy mode. I don't really know why I wanted to share this, but I felt like it is almost out of the ordinary now days. I am so grateful that there are parents out there who are teaching their little ones manners, politeness, and just plain innocence.
On that note...
One of my favorite Seinfeld episodes argues the importance of saying "bless you" after a sneeze. They go back and forth asking what "blessing" the sneezer really does for them. Jerry suggests that saying, "you are soooo good looking" after a sneeze will make the sneezer feel better. That just cracks me up! I sometimes say it to people after they sneeze and they just look at me like a freak. Well, unless it's Brandon Palmer-- he'd get it!
Posted by April at 3:33 AM
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Sometimes we get a rude awakening, don't we? The past few months have been really hard for me and I have found myself crying more and more. I can't believe the memories that I am allowing myself to conjure up. I can't believe that I ache still with these thoughts. I can't believe that sadness lasts so long. While skimming through some myspace pages this shift, I came across a sentence that was a punch in the stomach. I knew it was about me. I didn't say it, but I knew, you know? As I read it, I realized that my life can't and won't ever be the same. I won't have a life that involves a silent house. The t.v. will always be on. Someone will always be awake. Never again will I "go to bed," lights out, goodnight, zzzz. Nope, that isn't in the cards. Never again will I be the passenger in the car more than the driver. Not going to happen. I can forget about making creamy peas- no one likes them but me. No more corn pudding. What's the point?? In fact, with my schedule, I don't even cook anymore. How can I?
2-9(shop, work, or school depending on the day)
9:30-11:30- housework/laundry/anything else
then it all begins again
I finally am believing that life will not be as I always knew it. There won't be order or structure. Things will be hectic. Something will always be going on. We will have visitors. There will be lots of phone calls. This is my new life. And by the way... my head never has fit in that spot the same way.
Well... we got around 15 inches or so of snow this week. It was awful. Terrible. I hate snow so much. We shoveled the driveway together and that was actually nice. We were "snowed in" for a few days and watched some movies and stuff. Can you believe that my tree is still up?
We are moving. Not sure where yet. Somewhere in Ellettsville probably. We will be closer to the shop and out of the house. I have been looking at some duplexes off of Union Valley. They are really nice, but we've yet to decide.
Due to the whole moving thing I am going to have to start "going through" my house. 9 years worth of "garb" to wade through. Lord be with me. Give me strength to toss 3/4 of it!!
Josh bought me a 32. Yeah, a gun. It's little. It fits perfectly in my hand. I am so scared of it and he says that he is going to make me shoot it soon. ha. We'll see. He is also trying to get me to start carrying. ha again. Too scary for me.
My new enemy (who is also my old enemy) is Psycho Santa. The tie-dyed terror who roams the halls of the Eagle's Nest picking up kids and drop kicking them across the parking lot. He is a bad man. Very bad man.
I've had a super case of insomnia as of late. I also haven't been able to eat anything. Just not hungry! I do need some sleep though. Soon. I can do without the food though!
Thinking about my future career again... what do I really want to do?!?
Whelp. That's all for now... for now... for now... .
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Well... I don't think I have done a very successful job of keeping with my goals... so I am re-organizing. Setting ones that are a little more important, a little more attainable, and a little more easier to remember to do.
I will strive to rid my life of unneccesary worry and stress. This means NOT seeing issues where there really aren't. This means letting others worry about their own problems. This means trying to not lay awake at night with knots in my stomach over something that cannot be changed.
It's time to get healthy. Yes, healthy. I have to stop crying around about the way I look while continuing to suck down the mountain dew and tear open the chip bags. I need to find a way, a time, to exercise. I want to be healthy and I want to be pretty and desirable. In order be this, then I have to be willing to do something about it.
I will read one book a week. It's time that I admit that I LOVE reading. I love it. A good book seems to keep me balanced in such a hectic life. I need to make time for this passion. When I have down time I need to take advantage of reading instead of surfing the web or starring at the wall. It seems as if I am happier when I am into a good book.
I will be a better Christian. I will read my Bible more, pray, and really try to connect with God. I will not let others bring me down and I will not fall back on my past behaviors. I will try to save others through example. I will show Christ's love through my actions and words.
I am going to do my best to be more open-minded and less judgmental. This may be really hard, because my big issue with people is those who appear to be users and try to change the morality of others. It bothers me to see someone who used to be such a "good" person totally change from the influence of others. And then I start to really dislike those "others" without even knowing them. I'm going to try to do better.
I will keep up to date on my homework for school. So far I've had a 4.0 all the way through Ivy Tech. That's good, but I find myself cramming in work at the very last second that it's due- not so cool. Anyway, I will definitely keep up on this. I have to.
I will give my husband more space. I tend to be overbearing and want to be with him all the time. I know that this isn't healthy. I am afraid that if I don't have his attention all the time, then he'll one day forget about me and never come back home. Don't laugh- it's happened before. My paranoia is going to be the end of me if I don't get it under control.
I will be a better budgeteer. Is that even a word?? Anyway, I will pay my bills on time and keep up to date with them. Squandering is out! Saving is in! All hail frugelness! Again, is that a word?
My home will be clean. Yes, clean. Laundry done and put away. Dishes not on the counters or in the sink. Floors mopped and swept. Heck, I may even make the bed. Who knows?!? I plan on moving soon and my new place will be treated a lot better than the one that I now have.
I plan to live life day by day. Sounds easy... but it really isn't. I need to live each day knowing that God is with me and that whatever tomorrow brings that I can handle it. I need to remember that worrying and fretting doesn't do any good. I need to live in the moment, because there may not be a tomorrow. There is no guarantee. I will call my parents and grandparents often. I will plan things with my sisters and Courtney and Pam and Amanda and whoever else that I have neglected lately. I will try to be the me that somewhere got lost in the past two and a half years. I miss the old April. I miss being independent and funny. I miss making people smile and laugh. I miss loving and being loved. It's time that I got over myself and my pity and my sorrow and start living again. Screw those who kicked me when I was down. Screw those who left me behind for their own gain. Screw those who broke promises, lied, or used me. I am done wasting hate on them. I am finished with that part of history. Now there is only today, because I know as well as anyone, that things can change in an instant--- that is why I am choosing to live in the moment.