Thursday, June 11, 2009

If you care to know...

The following is not to "reconnect" or anything foolish like that. It is simply to express closure for myself and come to some serious realizations of what I truly once was.

I feel that you need to know that I now understand why you did what you did and how much of a factor I played in that decision. I was a horrible person to you: demanding, selfish, and condescending (to say the least). I cringe at some things that I did and said. My reactions in ALL situations were ones that seemed to only benefit me and never did consider you. I don't think the way that things happened were the best way to go, but I do understand. I have had everything in this life taken from me.... literally everything. I've been in therapy, on anti-depressants and anxiety medications, and have contemplated suicide several times (even overdosed and ran my car off the road-that was fun). I've spent these years blocking out hurt and hate and I've mentally exhausted myself trying to figure out why, but lately I finally "got it." I DO NOT blame you. I deserved what happened and I blame myself completely for everything. I lacked the qualities that you needed in a person and I hope that you have found those that you deserve.

It did happen for a good reason though. It seems as if you now have that prosperous, happy, successful life that you have always strived for. A beautiful wife and son who I am sure makes you smile daily. Congratulations. I wish you only the best in life now and forever.

I have forgiven all in the past and I hope that someday you can forgive the monster that I was.