Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Missing Myself...

If time could turn back, then I would. I am not one of those liars who say, "I wouldn't change anything... it made me who I am." Nope. Not me. I wish that I could go back in time. I wish that I could've started this life out the right way. I wish that I would have turned out to be a different person. A person who is desirable, one who can be loved, one who doesn't judge, one who is balanced, one who can be okay with herself. I wish that I was beautiful, thin, wealthy, giving, and not so easy to leave. I wish that I would have treated people in my life differently- better. I wish that I didn't cry every, single day over stupid things and things that will never change. I wish that I had a church family and that I had never left the ones I loved- the ones who were there for me, the ones who guided me, held my spiritual hand. I wish that I could dispose of bitterness, saddness, anger, guilt, and obsessiveness. I wish that I could forget things in this life and just look forward always. I wish that I was an honestly good person. I want to be that person who everyone thinks is so nice. Not because I give them things or do things for them, but just because my demeanor is one that omits kindness and love. I want to live a life jumping over puddles instead of falling flat on my face in them. I want my old friends in my life. Amber, Amanda, even my sisters- I miss them so much that it makes my heart ache. I want to have a favorite show again. I want to go to concerts, plays, out to eat, ball games, movies, anywhere. I want to be able to have new things- nice things. I don't want to have to work all the time. I don't want to worry and fret over bills and money. I wish that I hadn't screwed up my life beyond repair. I don't want to live a lie. I want to have fun again. Laugh again. I want to make people laugh again. I want to have a space, a place in this world. I want to fit in. I want to have silence sometimes. I don't want to fear being unconnected. I want a life. I want to be me again. I miss me.