Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Ramblings of a dumb girl

Another day... another Paul Poteet tie.


My latest "big endeavor" is that I am becoming a cake decorating expert along with my sister Alicia. Oh, you may be thinking that I am exaggerating just a little... you may be right, but we are definitely improving. If the teacher gave out certificates for the ones who started out as the Special Ed students and improved to moderately handicapped, well, then... we'd bag that cert!

Here is my clown cake =) kinda dark, but you can see how awesome it is!!


I have been having some off the wall thoughts AGAIN! Just when I think that things and life is going better, then it's like I get hit in the head with a 2x4. I just don't understand some things. There are days when I just really want to walk (not drive) away and just start over. Not looking back. Not worrying about anyone. Just focusing on me. A little efficiency apartment, a good book, and a nice comfy blankie... I know that it makes me sound a little crazy, but sometimes life just gets so overwhelming that I just want to "get away." Nothing spectacular has happened or anything like that... it's just too busy... too crowded... too un-private. It seems as if there is always some sort of drama. I am so over the drama. So over it.


Often times I feel as if I am looking for him. I know that he's there, but it seems as if either I really suck at praying or the people that I pray for just don't want to change. I haven't felt that "closeness" to him since I left Clay Faith Center. It is just so disheartening how Satan made it possible for a few words to shatter so many lives. A few words. That's it. I would do anything in this world to go back in time and to have that day never happen. I wish that I could erase so many things that have happened since then and just "forget" about them. I loved that place. I loved those people. I loved everything about it. I did. I promise. Each week I felt the spirit. Each week I heard a message that spoke to me. I have heard very few pastors who have been able to keep me interested and "wanting" to go to church on a Sunday morning. I know that I've fallen since I left. I know that I've made bad decisions. I know that in some eyes I would be so horrible if they only knew. Anyway, can't change the past, but I have to look forward to the future. I have to find that niche, that place that I fit. I have to find people who will be so loving and open as they were. I have to find them in order to really find HIM. I don't know if this makes sense or not, but I am so lost spiritually right now that I need that structured guidance. Not only for me, but for my home, my life, & my future.


I need a new job like the news needs to quit dwelling on Michael Jackson. The place is driving me insane. I am constantly tired and stressed.


Hatred is such a strong emotion and I wish that I could quit having it. I find myself dripping with hatred over things and people soooo often. Where is the old nice April?? I remember when I was so tolerable to people/things that others thought I was stupid. Maybe I was... anyway... I need to get back to that old tolerable state.


Here is the truth section:

*I really want to just drink. Yeah, drink until I'm drunk. No, I won't, but I want to.

*I have no patience for people on welfare. I have witnessed too many drug addicts who smoke and don't work and take a little bit of my money each month. I know... it's mean.

*I want to be good at something. Something. Anything. I fail at it all.

*I wish that I had a little dog that I could have as my bestest friend. It would be a little girl and I would put little pink bows in her hair and name her something cute like Glitter or Sparkle.

*Josh & I have named our kids if they are to be boys (if we EVER have any): Nehemiah Malachi & Noah Ryan. Yeah. He picked out the middle names... If it was me, then it would be Nehemiah Matthew or something normal sounding =) lol.

*If we have girls I really love the names Maylen or Mandolin-- my guess is that he doesn't though. Anyway... we'll see.

Well... lots more RAMBLINGS courtesy of me... sorry.