Tuesday, December 30, 2008

In a perfect world...

Bicycles really would "share the road."

It would rain constantly, but not flood.

Coke wouldn't make you fat.

Cheating spouses would automatically ignite and float away in ashes.

And their surviving spouse would have no recollection of their existence.

Icy wouldn't even make it into the forecast.

Christmas decorations would put themselves away.

No meal would take longer than 10 minutes to cook. Ever.

Real vehicles would be made out of matchbox car materials (those things can take a beating and never even dent-LOL).

Guys would never, ever come between friends.

There would be no need for tanning salons, because everyone would naturally be tan. Always.

Sleep would be more important than anything else. Bosses would say, "What? You haven't had 8 hours? You go straight home and I'll pay you anyway."

Life would be easy.

Well... some blessings come from a car that lacks a radio. I've had a lot of time lately to think. Yes, think. I have tried to go back in time in my mind and find the last time that I was actually, really, honestly happy. After much trying and rehashing memories, I've realized that I have never really been happy. I mean, don't get me wrong, there have been happy moments, but to actually say that I was completely happy during any one time in my life brings a blank. This is really good news in a sense, because I can't sit here and think back to a time when life was better or easier or happier, because that time doesn't exist. Maybe it never will? I don't know.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Fricky, Fricky, Frazzled...

A typical day for me is pretty hectic. Let's first remember that I work 2 jobs and open our skate shop almost every afternoon. I go to school and try to sleep and eat occassionally. Now let's add in that I had to do volunteer work for one of my classes. Yes, I am serious.

Oh, that's not all... here are a few typical, everyday statements that I may hear in the wee hours of the morning...

"The voices taught me how to play guitar."
"I'm not an addict, I just do pills, they're not bad."
"Why do YOU get to drink pop?" (hmm... sobriety has rewards?)
"Ha ha. I steal money from my_____ (insert any family member that is beloved to most!)"
"Why are you rationing out wet wipes?"
"It's cold!"
"It's hot"
"wah wah wah"
"Sorry I didn't come when you called. I am having withdrawls." (what does that have to do with listening?)
"I'm getting picked on just because I am breaking a lot of little rules (add whiny voice to this one).
"Is it time for meds? Smoke break? meds? smoke break? meds? smoke break?"

Oh, these are just a few! To put it lightly... I am going insane!!!! Yeah, I am serious.

Overworked. Stressed. Trying desperately to choose between doing online finals and reading Eclipse (3rd of the Twilight series). Fidgeting. Not sleeping. Not eating. No nerve pills left. I. Am. Going. Crazy!

Can someone recommend a good doctor? Or at least good meds?

Thanks! Buh Bye!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

What the heck am I up to??

December 10th.

I am so very far behind in the online course. I loathe online classes. They are too difficult to keep up with & I always end up putting them off until the absolute, very last moment! Why? I guess it's because there is no physical human being standing over me each week saying, "yada, yada is due next Thursday." That really helps me out. I will soon be starting the next semester & this one will hopefully be easy. Micro-Computers (ahhhh!) & Interpersonal Relations (cake). To be quite honest here I have not a clue what that computer class entails, but it is a requirement for my degree so I suppose I'll knock it outta the way. Hopefully. The IR class is another online one & I commit to keeping up. Goal setting is my goal!

I sit here at this desk and look at the product of my night layed out before me: mountain dew, Seinfeld Season 4, & the book "New Moon", which for those of you who don't know is the #2 in the Twilight Series. I am listening to VH1 & praying that my 7AM wake-up call that I just registered will be taking effect and the clients will be ambling down to eat their breakfasts and prepare for the day. Then I will prepare for the "night." Which, to most of you, is the day. I now sleep during the day and am currently happy that it is raining penguins & polar bears outside. That's the colder version of cats & dogs.

Nothing too extremely changed in this category. House is still in shambles & still no Christmas decor up. This is so unlike me. I am usually the first to get everything up right after Thanksgiving. I love the twinkling lights & my many snowmen. That is the only ornaments that are on my tree. I used to have some sentimental ornaments that I have disposed of. I gave some away to people who would appreciate them... such as a football marshmallow snowman ornament and some other ones. Yeah, there have been replacements, but not with as much enthusiasm. Christmas has lost a lot of meaning,it seems. Not nearly as special anymore. In fact, I don't think life in general means as much anymore. Funny how those things happen. Things that used to be so important to me aren't anymore. Things that used to scare me, don't anymore. Crazy? Yeah. I am thinking about going and "talking" to someone. I am afraid that 2 1/2 years of depression may be a little much. It seems as if I blame myself for a lot of my past. Which I undoubtedly should. The problem is that I need to eventually forgive myself for the ruin that I've put myself and other in. It seems as if I am self-destructing. Some days I scare myself. I've tried some anti-depressants, but they don't seem to work. So... something's going to have to give in this head of mine. Sometime soon! I do believe that I have carpal tunnel in my right arm. It is numb about 75% of the time and aches the other 25%. I don't think that there is much that they can really do for that, but we'll see.


They are all doing pretty well. Mamaw Hatley starts her chemo next week & is scared. I am scared, too. I don't want her to be sick. She doesn't deserve it. If anyone deserves sickness & suffering- it's me. I have plagued too many!! Please pray for her to not be too awful sick. I can't bear to see her like that. Papaw is still in the nursing home and will be for a little while. He is getting therapy and then hopefully will be well enough to return home. Uncle Jerb had a stroke and is heading to a nursing home possibly indefinitely. He is unable to communicate or to take care of his daily needs. It's really sad. Joking & laughing one moment and incapacitated the next. Don't understand it at all, but who am I? Sisters are doing good. Ashley & Amy are Ken Nunn employees. Alicia, I think, works at Monroe Hospital Family Clinic or something like that this week! Mom & Dad are good-- still Bingo-aholics. BTW I won $50 on my birthday. Not too bad!

Well... I am sure that this sounded like it was written by the Grinch, but I promise it's not too awful bad. I have found some close friends that I haven't talked to in years. Facebook is a Godsend. Natalie, Samantha, Jason, and so many others that I have missed so much. I hope that things get better. No, I know that they will. I have a feeling that February will be a life changing month for me. Not sure why, but certain just the same!

Love ya!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Old & Cold & BINGO brawls!

I just want to say that I am freaking freezing! Seriously, why does it have to be so cold?? Not only outside, but here at work!!!???!!!

Now for the goodie (as Shelly would say)...

So this week is my "birthday week" according the local AmVets Post 2000. That's where my mom and dad are bingo-aholics. They go twice a week and nothing seems to stop them! They are serious bingoers (is that even a word?). Last week my family tried endlessly to get my parents to answer their phones while at bingo, because my uncle had had a stroke. My dad kept answering his phone and saying "can't talk. not allowed" and hanging it up. Yeah, scary! Later he explained that cell phones weren't allowed while the caller was announcing the numbers-- so go out in the hall!! And my mom is just a Christmas present away from her own dobber carrier. She already has the t-shirts and the little singing Bingo bear. Anyway, my mom wants me to go with them to bingo tomorrow night, because on your "birthday week bingo only costs a dollar!" Pretty exciting, huh?? Here is the sad part: My "birthday bingo" game is most likely going to be the highlight of my week! Yeah, be jealous! So, I'll be 28 this year. Time really does seem to fly the older that we get. In just a few short months it will be my ten year class reunion. Wow. Most likely I will not be attending this event. It would sicken me to see Mr. & Mrs. M.F. Cheaterins, even if by mere accident. Oh, sometimes I get phone calls of recent sightings and I have to explain to the caller that I don't really care one iota. Only I use some harsher words. You know what I mean? Anywho... the point is that I am growing old. Ok, older is probably the best term to use.

I think I will go to bingo. Wish me luck on the $1000 game. Wouldn't that just piss off all of those troll-toting, superstitious, dobber-carrying regulars if someone like me won!?! I may get beat down! Pray for me!